Stop The Lies!
Heather Mills (remember her?) has announced that she has started a one-woman campaign to rid the internet of lies about her, so that her daughter Beatrice won't think badly of her when she's old enough to get online.

"Recently I've been going through the internet, clearing up [rumours]," says Sir Paul McCartney's ex. "I've got five apologies so far from British media and I've got many thousands to go. I plan to clear the internet so my daughter doesn't read all the lies when she's 12."

With the lies out of the way, Bea just has tales of her mother's porn past, crazy talk show rants and throwing water at her dad's divorce lawyer to look forward to.

But Heather's mission has had me wondering why other celebrities aren't online, e-mailing media outlets and bloggers alike to do away with net misconceptions.

Being a kind and helpful soul, I thought I'd give a few of them a head start:

Nicole Kidman does not use botox: she took the briefest glimpse of Medusa and only her forehead turned to stone.

Pamela Anderson is not addicted to marriage: she just loves getting divorced.

Pammy with hubbies number one and two; Tommy Lee

Mel Gibson is not anti-Semitic: he hates everyone equally.

Victoria Beckham is not too thin: her children are morbidly obese.

John Travolta does not wear a wig: it's actually a "hair hat".

Matthew McConaughey is not vain: his nipples are allergic to cotton.

Denise Richards is not a fame whore: cameras help with her debilitating agoraphobia.

Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian: Sam Ronson actually "Samuel".

Kevin Federline is not fat: he's hiding his new love children under his top.

Miley Cyrus is not obnoxious: she's a teenaged girl.

Angelina Jolie is not addicted to collecting babies: she just loves the new baby smell.

Paris Hilton hates parties: but loves free booze.

Tom Cruise is not crazy: he's actually retarded.*

Scott Keenan
Tell Me Sweet Little Lies O'Clock
*Watch Rainman now. Changes the whole movie once you know. For the better!

Kylie Minogue says she has had botox

BOTOX WARS!

Kylie
vs
Nicole

Kylie Ann Minogue has finally actually admitted that she has used Botox in the past. Thanks, Captain Obvious. My only issue is that she said "in the past" because she's seemingly still a user but I will let that slide since she finally actually said it. This news - which in itself is not shocking but the fact she admitted it kinda is - reminded me of Nicole Mary Kidman (who is clearly Botoxed within an inch of her life) previously stating that she's totes natural and has never had anything done ever. Bitch, please. We've all seen BMX Bandits. At the very least we know you've got an out of control mass of ginga hair that you straighten and colour. Then there's the question for the ages: where have all your bazillions of freckles gone? As for all the rest, quite frankly, luv: you're a liar. I really think I would just prefer it if, like Kyles, she just said, "Yeah, this is what I do. What of it?" Respect.

Below is a handy summary of what the two - who coincidentally both starred in Moulin Rouge where they eagerly exchanged plastic surgery tips on set (OK, I made the end of that sentence up) - have said on the pressing matter so you can decide the best approach for yourself.

WHAT KYLIE (now) SAYS ABOUT BOTOX (which I must admit has an April Fool's Day feel about it but let's say they are real quotes for now):
* "I'm definitely not one of those people who says, 'You shouldn't do this.' Everyone individually can do what they want."
* “I also think it doesn't have the stigma that it had when I was growing up. For all time women have wanted to, for the most part, look their best."
* "It's just that what we have available to us today is - what it is today. I'm preferring to be a lot more natural these days. I've tried Botox, I've tried all."

WHAT NICOLE SAYS ABOUT BOTOX (coincidentally looking surprised the whole time cos she can't move her face cos of all the Botox):
* "To be honest, I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything. I wear sunscreen, and I don't smoke. I take care of myself. And I'm very proud to say that."
* "Anybody can do anything to themselves, their bodies. I have no judgment on it. I personally believe in physical health because of the way I was raised. I can't go in the sun; I'm fair skinned. That was a nightmare when I was a kid, but it has some benefits now. It's that simple. I still had one skin cancer on my leg, because I put my legs in the sun."

I say the Kidman lady doth protest too much. Just come clean.
Advantage Minogue.

Carolyn Stewart,
Stop saying the starter disk is full or I'm going to cry o'clock, April 3, 2009