Britney Spears Down Under

Britney’s three ringed circus comes to town
And we’ll be stalking K-Fed!Last night the long-rumoured Australian leg of Britney Spears' Circus tour was finally confirmed.
While it was just pointed out to me that if I were to get free tickets it could be a delightfully snarky live Tweeting event, I have little interest in going.
I mean, who wants to see a drugged out Britney mime badly amongst a mess of 50 dancers dressed as clowns?
Apparently plenty of people. Especially the ones who snagged tickets for £2 when seats at her London show at the 02 failed to sell out. Oops!
The press release declares the show has had “raves reviews” [sic], which might possibly be true with crowds easily distracted by shiny metal objects.
The Sun called the show “a girl walking around, flicking her hair and miming to some average pop songs”, and suggested the cast-of-thousands were a blessed distraction from the star.
“In the list of the best things about last night's O2 gig, Britney would struggle to make the top five. The choreography, dancers and set were top class but blonde Britters parading in her undercrackers was completely uninspiring. Madonna is twice her age and does double the dancing.”

Snapped The Guardian, “The audience can't possibly have turned up in order to hear her greatest hits sung live, given that everyone seems to accept that Spears isn't singing live - certainly there are moments when Spears could no more obviously be miming were she wearing white face make-up and pretending to walk against the wind.”

Husband No.3?

But they weren’t all bad:
“She is the queen of production line pop and reclaims that diamanté crown with the most perfectly plastic pop show ever staged,” said London’s Daily Telegraph.
Britney is very easy to slag off, but really she doesn’t try very hard, does she? In fact, she seems to put very little effort into her career at all. Sure, going on a long tour is a tiring and all-consuming commitment, but she is just going through the motions. She has been doing this stuff for ten years and she is well beyond caring. You know, if with all the meds her conservatorship have her on she even has the ability to care.
“I’ve wanted to tour Australia for quite some time and now it's finally happening," pips the person writing the press release Britney. "My Circus tour is the best show I have ever created and I can't wait to perform it for all of my Australian fans. See you guys soon!”
Mostly I just can't wait to play spotto with her ex-hubby Kevin Federline in town. K-Fed is pocketing a cool $30,000 to look after the couple's two young sons on the tour.
We'll be hanging out at the zoo and KFC to see him.

Britney's last Down Under appearance

I was “lucky” enough to attend a showcase Britney did in Sydney in 2001, which was more than enough. Due to rain her planned outdoor gig at the Entertainment Quarter (then Fox Studios) had to be moved inside to The Forum (then City Live), where she mimed and danced away to four songs. The only problem was the hundreds (she was no longer cool enough to draw thousands) of whiny Britney fans who couldn’t fit inside and were left booing loudly in the rain.
Eventually, trying to avoid a PR disaster, they decided to take Britney out to say hello to her fans. She stood on stage and said about three words, and then declared it was the birthday of one of her dancers and sang (live!) one of the most out-of-tune renditions of "Happy Birthday To You" you’ve ever heard. Well, since the last birthday you went to with your tone deaf drunken uncle. Tragic/awesome.
Oh, which reminds me of the premiere of her fillum Crossroads on that same trip! Guests, seated in the cinema, waited for ages for Britney to turn up – Had she been talking to fans on the red carpet for hours a la Tom Cruise? No she had been sleeping at her hotel – only for her to walk in, say “I hope you enjoy this film as much as I did making it” and promptly leave again. Then we had to sit through the freaking movie!
Okay, I’ll stop now.

Scott Keenan
Oops!...o'clock

Mel Gibson's girlfriend and more

The Five Most Bizarre Things That Happened In The Last 24 Hours*

*Janice Dickinson interviews and swine flu panic notwithstanding

1. Mel Gibson brings a date!
I don't get Mel Gibson anymore. I mean, what was his last actual good movie? Air America? I'm serious. Say what you will about Tom Cruise but boy knows how to make a movie (Helpful note: I don't acknowledge Mission: Impossible II or The Last Samurai and neither should you). So, these days when it comes to Mel, all I see is an anti-Semite, sexist pig who is a former big box office star that can't pick a box office winner to save his life. Then with the whole cheating thing - obviously I was as shocked as you were when that doozy came to light. No way! Not strict-Catholic Mel!

Then it just got worse. Questions arose as to which Russian chick named Oksana he was actually bedding (erm, all of them?). But today, Mel put all that scandal to rest by... rocking up to the Los Angeles premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine holding the hand of one Oksana Grigorieva. This Oksana is not to be confused with Russian nightclub lady Oksana Kolesnikova nor Russian pop tart Oksana Pochepa, who were both accused in the media of Mel shenanigans. How many Oksanas are there? One can only presume from this whole sorry fiasco that Oksana is the Russian-equivalent of being named Madison in the Western World. So hip. So now.

With Mel's long-suffering-yet-soon-to-be-wealthiest-women-in-the-universe-soon-to-be-ex-wife Robyn filing for divorce and about to take him for everything he's worth, you have to wonder if now really is the time to be publicly stepping out with his chick-on-the-side? I can only see value in this if Mel is trying to hide an even bigger story than the fact that he was cheating on his wife of 950 years. Is Oksana pregnant? Was he cheating with more than one person but he wants to make it look "better" like it was only one? Is Mel ever going to make another Mad Max? Only time will tell...

2. Natalie Portman has unexpected D-list friends!
During Lindsay Lohan's awkard appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show this week, the failed rehabber said that Natalie Portman had helped her through this really rough phase in her life. Really? Not only that, but Nat was also just spotted leaving the Tribeca Film Festival DirectTV lounge with... Hilary Duff. This is stunning to me. Natalie Portman is smart, has cred and just should generally know better. Girlfriend needs a better class of friend, right?

3. Sarah Jessica Parker is expecting twins!
Well, technically she's expecting someone else to have them for her. SJP and gay husband Matthew Broderick's twin baby girls will be delivered via a surrogate mother. The pair are said to be "overjoyed", which is code for "not divorcing for about two months."

4. Chuck Bass is weird...
I knew Gossip Girl's resident bad boy Ed Westwick was kinda kooky, talks to much about his music and has tattoos but I didn't know until now what they were of. I also didn't know about the sheer volume of tattoos he has until his new interview with Interview magazine came out. We're talking Johnny Depp levels of ink. He says his tattoos are mostly... song titles.

"I got “Heartbreak Hotel” tattooed on my chest. And I’ve got “21 Grams,” “Love Me Two Times,” the song by The Doors. I have “I Heart Romance” on my forearm and “You Make Me Feel Like The One” across my shoulder."

Woah there, Mister! I can only assume the last one is from "Dakota" by the Stereophonics but what the hell kind of song is "I Heart Romance"? Well, it isn't.

"I saw it in a bathroom stall in a bar in Brooklyn. I thought it was cool, so I got it," he says.

O....K.... then. Is he done with all the permanent art now? "No, no. Way more—they’re addictive. Get one. You’ll never look back. Live fast, die young. Be a good-looking corpse. Leave a good-looking tattoo." As much as I hate to point it out, as I really hope I'm wrong, but no good can ever come from saying a sentence like that no matter how cool you think it sounds, Ed.

5. Paris Hilton will win an award that wasn't a Razzie!
On the eve of the socialite-with-no-discernible-skills launching her ninth fragrance, Paris Hilton will pick up the Celebrity Award by The Fragrance Foundation at the 2009 FiFi Awards. Apparently this is less like the Ponds Institute than you'd think and more like the actual perfume industry but let's just backtrack a bit - she's onto her NINTH fragrance? Do people really need nine different ways to smell cheap? Crazy!

--
Carolyn Stewart
I choose never to sleep o'clock, April 29, 2009

Stop The Lies!
Heather Mills (remember her?) has announced that she has started a one-woman campaign to rid the internet of lies about her, so that her daughter Beatrice won't think badly of her when she's old enough to get online.

"Recently I've been going through the internet, clearing up [rumours]," says Sir Paul McCartney's ex. "I've got five apologies so far from British media and I've got many thousands to go. I plan to clear the internet so my daughter doesn't read all the lies when she's 12."

With the lies out of the way, Bea just has tales of her mother's porn past, crazy talk show rants and throwing water at her dad's divorce lawyer to look forward to.

But Heather's mission has had me wondering why other celebrities aren't online, e-mailing media outlets and bloggers alike to do away with net misconceptions.

Being a kind and helpful soul, I thought I'd give a few of them a head start:

Nicole Kidman does not use botox: she took the briefest glimpse of Medusa and only her forehead turned to stone.

Pamela Anderson is not addicted to marriage: she just loves getting divorced.

Pammy with hubbies number one and two; Tommy Lee

Mel Gibson is not anti-Semitic: he hates everyone equally.

Victoria Beckham is not too thin: her children are morbidly obese.

John Travolta does not wear a wig: it's actually a "hair hat".

Matthew McConaughey is not vain: his nipples are allergic to cotton.

Denise Richards is not a fame whore: cameras help with her debilitating agoraphobia.

Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian: Sam Ronson actually "Samuel".

Kevin Federline is not fat: he's hiding his new love children under his top.

Miley Cyrus is not obnoxious: she's a teenaged girl.

Angelina Jolie is not addicted to collecting babies: she just loves the new baby smell.

Paris Hilton hates parties: but loves free booze.

Tom Cruise is not crazy: he's actually retarded.*

Scott Keenan
Tell Me Sweet Little Lies O'Clock
*Watch Rainman now. Changes the whole movie once you know. For the better!

Does anybody else remember ... ?
Jonathan Lipnicki EditionI hated Jerry Maguire. I have often said it is the worst movie of all time (this is a much bigger issue for another day), but the one thing I did love about that overly long mess was Jonathan Lipnicki. You know, the tiny little nerdy kid who played Renée Zellweger’s son Ray and out-acted Tom Cruise in every scene they shared.
I went from bored to angry and then suddenly delighted whenever he appeared, sharing his amazing four-year-old insights.

Remember these amazing quotes?
“Do you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?”
“Do you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?”
“Do you know that my next door neighbour has three rabbits?”, and
“You said fuck.”
GOLD!
You can relive some Jerry now, but be warned, this scene features an Operating Thetan.

He followed up Jerry with films like Stuart Little and its sequel, Like Mike and (my personal favourite) The Little Vampire. He even made a notable guest appearance on Dawson’s Creek and was in Bronson Pinchot’s Mork & Mindy rip-off Meego.

But where is he now?

Well Jonathan, now 18, looks a little different to back in the day …
…the glasses (and, err, shirt) are gone … wonder about the speech impediment?

While Jonathan hasn’t starred in a main stream flick in years, his website claims to be “coming soon”, and imdb says the flick Queen Kong is awaiting release. Can’t wait for that one.
He also stars in the new online series Brohan, which you must watch now!
While you're youtubing, you can also see him competing in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu bout. No, really!

Come back Jonathan! You might be all scary big and old now, but there has never been a better time for a sequel to The Little Vampire!

Is that Irony?
Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney (they were in some '60s band) reunited on stage at Radio City Music Hall in New York for a charity which promotes transcendental meditation to school children.
Seriously.
Anyway, the pair teamed up for Ringo to sing “With A Little Help From My Friends”. I was delighted that he sang the line “I will try not to sing out of key” completely out of key.
Life is magic.

Scott Keenan
Daylight saving is over all is right with the world o'clock

Overrated? The Oeuvre Of Steve Spielberg
Remember when Dawson on Dawson’s Creek wanted to be a director and his favourite director was Steven Spielberg? I happened to think to myself, “Surely no self-respecting director goes into the business wanting to be Steven Spielberg?”
Yes, he has been amazingly successful and delivered some of the most iconic film images of all time, but how consistent is he really as a director? His style – certainly right into the ’80s and even with flashes now – is of a really ’70s, non-linear, self-indulgent school of which I am not a big fan.
So I looked through his filmography, and spotted almost as many misses as hits.
Let me just say that I love a good Steven movie and I think he is a great guy and he especially provided me with some amazing childhood entertainment. But it must be said that it is his producing, and not directing, that has delivered some of my favourite movies; The Goonies, Back To The Future, Gremlins. All things I will be forever grateful to him for backing and getting made.
This story could have been 3000 words long (and in honesty, the first draft was) so for brevity I will give one line reviews to all of his films and see what we come up with.

Duel (1971)
Alleged “classic” plays more like a well put-together student project.

(Note: I have skipped Sugarland Express and 1941 as I have never seen them, nor was I on hand to witness their cultural impact - if any)

Jaws (1975)
People remember flashes of terror in the movie, but it is actually really, really long and talky and boring. Iconic, yes. Very good? No.

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977)
Like Jaws, this movie was all dull, talky build-up. But the impressive alien sequences would serve him well when making E.T..

Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
The movie is magic and the team of George Lucas and (mainly) writer Lawrence Kasdan means that it has a story, and plot points actually flow throughout. (George, please get Lawrence back, give him half your money and beg him to never leave you again.)E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
A cultural landmark, let’s ignore that much of this fillum feels like a bunch on unrelated scenes. First movie I saw at the cinema!

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)
Steven directed one of the three stories in this ill-advised and infamous remake of the TV show. His segment is fine, but the fillum doesn’t play like a fillum at all.

Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom (1984)
When it came out I liked this one even better than the first. It may be more exciting, if less cohesive as a story.

The Color Purple (1985)
Steven’s first stab at a “worthy” fillum. But actually a good one. Plus: Whoopi AND Oprah!

The Goonies (1985)
He only directed one scene, but did come up with the story and produce it. Did I mention it was one of my favourite films EVER?

Empire Of The Sun (1987)
I have never seen this movie. But a pint-sized Christian Bale is in it!

Always (1989)
I saw this on video when I was a kid. It is the kind of video your dad picks and you just wish you could watch Alf.

Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989)
More Indy fun!

Hook (1991)
Possibly one of the worst movies ever made.
Jurassic Park (1993)
It is hard to explain the impact this fillum had when it came out. It blew people away, which is Spielberg’s (all too rare) magic.

Schindler's List (1993)
More worthiness. The movie is fine, I just don’t like feeling lectured. You know?

Amistad (1997)
LECTURE. (I was so bored I honestly can’t give this a rating)

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
It’s like the first one, but the dinosaurs visit San Diego! Probably fine, but ultimately forgettable.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)
More lectures. But I appreciate the point he was making about the depiction of war in film. He did for gore what he’d done for aliens. I’m calling it good.

A.I.: Artificial Intelligence (2001)
Almost good at some point and then shit. And the more you think about it later, the more shit it truly seems.

Catch Me If You Can (2002)
I actually quite liked this one. Probably his most understated fillum at that time.

Minority Report (2002)
I like this despite Tom Cruise.

The Terminal (2004)
UTTER Shit.

Munich (2005)
Shit. Allegedly worthy, but actually morally corrupt, self-indulgent, boring shit.

War Of The Worlds (2005)
I didn’t need a remake of this. I certainly didn’t need an alien to go up against the aliens!
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008)
SHIT!

In conclusion: I am going to say that seven of his films have been utter rubbish, eight have been rather damn good, and the others seem to have been attempts to win Oscars.

But above all, know this: there was NEVER any reason for The Terminal to be made by Steven Spielberg. It could have possibly been an okay TV movie with Bronson Pinchot in the Tom Hanks role and Meredith Baxter in the Catherine Zeta-Jones role. I may have even cried.

Scott Keenan
I hope Steven still works with me one day o'clock