Why infomercials are better than actual TV

There was a time when infomercials would fill me with rage; How can TV networks get away with putting on half hour ads as if they were content? But, while I still agree that it is virtually criminal, a funny thing happened on the way to sleepy town: insomnia has made celebrity-filled, cheese-packed showcases of youth serums and rubbish cooking appliances a sure-fire pre-bedtime hit. And with the commercial channels all screening them and the addition of HD infomercial channel Expo, I am spoiled for choice when it comes to early am viewing. Despite my notoriously short attention span, at 3am the hypnotic repetition of the infomercial is like a lullaby. You can have your Lost and Heroes with their convoluted storylines and no pay-off. This is real entertainment – with instant results!

I offer you my top picks for infomercial viewing:

1. Proactiv Solution
Anti-acne wonder cream Proactiv is the undisputed king of celebrity-endorsed infomercial goods. Hosted by Vanessa (L.) Williams, the spots have featured Jennifer Love Hewitt, Diddy, Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, Serena Williams … and one of Britney Spears’ dancers … who confirmed Britney once used the product.

Making it all the better is “Australia’s own” Michala Banas (born in New Zealand) now spruiking the product. Her segments – indeed, the whole infomercial – are beautifully shot, and Michala is possibly more natural than anyone has ever been in an infomercial before. While this is a product I don’t need, there have been more than a few times at 3am when she has been extolling the virtues of this seemingly acid-like face formula that I have considered calling. Instead, I have drunkenly facebooked her. Which is much worse. But cheaper.

2. Sheer Cover

In the tradition of Natural Glow and Thin Lizzy comes brush-on wonder powder Sheer Cover. But instead of giggling at New Zealand accents for half an hour, you get a glam affair hosted by former Entertainment Tonight reporter Leeza Gibbons, who is joined by former Little House On The Prairie star Melissa Gilbert and Star Of Everything Alyssa Milano.

The best bit of the entire program is when Alyssa is “surprised” by a shot of herself arriving at the studio before having been made over with Sheer Cover. She squirms at the mere thought of the photo … which looks much like Alyssa but slightly paler.

Poor Melissa Gilbert, in contrast, is an embarrassment of pink blotches and pasty white patches. “Irish skin,” she explains, not realising the person who told her that was comparing her hide to a 70-year-old life-long alcoholic they’d once seen in a Donegal pub.

Through it all, stoic Leeza is there to smile and applaud as our stars are “humiliated” by before pictures, all the while stuffing their pockets with cash.

3. Flavor Wave

Not satisfied with pimping Snickers, Mr. T has been raised from the ashes of ’80s memories past to become a selling machine. His latest product is the Flavor Wave, a low-fat, high-speed counter top convection oven thingy. An odd match you might think, until it’s pointed out that cooking low fat meals on a Flavor Wave delivered Mr. T his brute strength – a good 25 years before the product’s invention.

Bursting through a door in all his faux angry B.A. Baracus glory, Mr. T dazzles a studio audience with catchphrases, “I pity the fool” and “I love it when a plan comes together” (which fans will note was actually Hannibal’s line – sadly George Peppard made the grave error of dying before he was able to hock low-fat cooking appliances) and salivates over steaks and cinnebuns alike. It all plays like a rerun of The A-Team – without the team, or the action … and with more cooking.

4. Principal’s Secret / Youthful Essence

I am cheating a bit by putting these two products together, but their pitch is the same: old actress lady who appears to have had a lot of face work sells products which will help you look like her.

Firstly there’s 59-year-old Victoria Principal. The former Dallas star has been selling her range for a million years, and it must be working because her skin looks like that of a china doll. Victoria has IN NO WAY had plastic surgery, and the fact that she looks like one of the aliens from Signs in a Lindy Chamberlain wig is all down to her magical creams. And nothing to do with the fact she was married to a plastic surgeon for 21 years.

Taking a leaf out of Victoria’s book is All My Children star Susan Lucci, 62, who is off-loading what looks like a personal orbital sander that grinds away at those skin cells that would be otherwise impossible to wash off with soap and water. The spot sees hipster Susan and an assorted gaggle of her AMC co-stars (presumably the ones she doesn’t have Sarah Michelle Gellar-style feuds with) walk the streets of Manhattan in slow motion and have a boozy lunch as they laugh about the joys of Susan’s miracle serum. Yes, it’s all very Sex And The City, with Susan as Samantha….’s mother.

5. TimeLife Music Collections

Arriving home post-pub on a Saturday morning there is nothing quite as satisfying as singing along to one of TimeLife’s CD collection infomercials. My love first started with the Classic Soft Rock collection, hosted by Air Supply. As if hundreds of 15 second clips of songs by Bread, America and Journey weren’t brilliant enough, the highlight is when the token TimeLife host lady announces, “I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Air Supply!” And you just know she had no idea who they were before she booked the gig. I know this infomercial so well that I can literally sing every song clip together as a medley – I’m not the only one, Australia Idol’s James Mathison and I once performed it as an impromptu duet.

The newest collection is the ’80s Music Explosion hosted by Belinda Carlisle (or at least a fembot who claims to be her). Whenever I see it I can’t get “Obsession” by Animotion out of my mind. There it is again! Must go listen.

Bonus infomercial: The Snuggie

The Snuggie infomercial is not even screened in Australia, but lucky for us the internet has made this genius product – a blanket with sleeves! – available to all. The best thing about this ridiculous invention – now you can answer the phone while still rugged up in a blanket! – is that you too can look like one of The Emperor's Royal Guards from Star Wars.

Scott Keenan
Wrapped in a Snuggie as we speak o'clock

George Clooney returns to ER

Famous Folk? Y'all Could Learn Something From George Clooney.

Short of getting Johnny Depp to do a 21 Jump St remake, scoring all-six stars for a Friends reunion or global pop princess Kylie Minogue returning to humble Ramsay Street for a guest-spot on Neighbours, ER getting George Clooney back on ER as his original character Dr Doug Ross is possibly the biggest "get" of recent times. He hadn't been seen in his scrubs since 2000 and in the interim has an Oceans trilogy plus responsibilities as every other year's World's Most Sexy Man. My point is, he didn't need to come back to the show. On top of that, I have to agree with most of the unofficial reviews I've read that have involved the person/blogger stating that they didn't even realise they were still even *making* ER until they heard about George's return. So, you know, it's not like it's the best or most-watched show on television anymore.

Although I need no such proof of what I'm about to say, but his lack of airs and graces once again reminds me that George is one of the world's best people. Sometimes when a star returns to a show - eg. Nathan Fillion returning to One Life To Live or House's Jesse Spencer popping into Neighbours for their 20th birthday - it's only their obsessive followers who realise what a big thing that is and just how much it means to fans. For George, he's one of the biggest stars in the world... and yet still he can return to the series that made him a star? What a tops guy!

You Don't Really Need Proof But Here's Top 5 Reasons Why George Clooney Is The World's Best Person (reasons other than his looks, intellect and do-gooderness that have been widely noted elsewhere):

1. From all reports, George's decision to return to ER was based on a brief conversation with former co-star Julianna Margulies. It was a conversation that seemingly went a little like this. GC: "Hi, it's me, George. Are you going back?" JM: ‘If you do it, I’ll do it." GC: "Well, if you do it, I’ll do it!"

2. As soon as the rumours began swirling about George returning to ER, I just knew he would. He's just that kind of guy. However, the first hint I had that George may well remain gracious while others enjoying life at the top would not was a comment he made some time ago while doing promo for Solaris. While plenty of stars get antsy and refuse to talk about their early projects, George welcomes - and thankfully is in on the joke about - talk of his early roles on The Facts of Life or Return of The Killer Tomatoes. After one such discussion, George recounted a story that every actor (of any level of success) would do well to take damn close note of: "When I did One Fine Day and Michelle Pfeiffer and I were doing press, somebody brought up Grease 2 and she said, 'Oh, please don’t, don’t, don’t.' And I said, 'Oh, come on. 1982, you come home, turn your answering machine on and your agent says, ‘You got Grease 2.’ You jumped up and down and screamed and danced, going, ‘I got Grease 2!’' Things just change. It doesn’t matter. It’s all part of the process. I’m sure Isabelle Adjani screamed when she got Ishtar. 'I’m working with those guys!' It’s one of those things where you just go, 'Look, it was at a period of time in your life when you needed a job.' I’m so not ashamed of those. I’m embarrassed at times because I had this horrible Facts of Life thing where you get the worst case of overconfidence and bad acting you’ve ever seen in your life. So, it’s not just bad, it’s big. You go, 'Oh, my God, it’s horrible.' But it’s all part of the building blocks of this business and probably the best lessons are that you can look back at those and go, 'Okay, I don’t want to do that anymore.'" And that, friends, is when I went from being in love with George Clooney to being *IN LOVE* with George Clooney.

3. His friends are not just hot, they're Brad-Pitt-hot or Matt-Damon-smart-and-hot. More guys could stand to run in packs like that, I say.

4. CloFu. George is literally good enough to, erm, eat. [learn about the full horror @: CloFu]

5. Remember when he had that little-that-turned-freaking-giant-but-still-cute pig called Max?? Well, that pig was loved. Awww. Poor Max.

So, not that it means much of anything but I had to put out into the ether/internets that I am just so proud of George for returning to ER. He didn't have to. But he did. And that, friends, is the difference.

I now hand over to my interweb colleague, SK, to be contrary (as is regularly his whim) re: George or to discuss at length exactly how Alyssa Milano went from a 300 year run on the rather-excellent Charmed to be making unneccsarily bizarre makeup infommercials. His call.

--
Carolyn Stewart
Too-late-o'clock, Monday, March 16, 2009