Mel Gibson's girlfriend and more

The Five Most Bizarre Things That Happened In The Last 24 Hours*

*Janice Dickinson interviews and swine flu panic notwithstanding

1. Mel Gibson brings a date!
I don't get Mel Gibson anymore. I mean, what was his last actual good movie? Air America? I'm serious. Say what you will about Tom Cruise but boy knows how to make a movie (Helpful note: I don't acknowledge Mission: Impossible II or The Last Samurai and neither should you). So, these days when it comes to Mel, all I see is an anti-Semite, sexist pig who is a former big box office star that can't pick a box office winner to save his life. Then with the whole cheating thing - obviously I was as shocked as you were when that doozy came to light. No way! Not strict-Catholic Mel!

Then it just got worse. Questions arose as to which Russian chick named Oksana he was actually bedding (erm, all of them?). But today, Mel put all that scandal to rest by... rocking up to the Los Angeles premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine holding the hand of one Oksana Grigorieva. This Oksana is not to be confused with Russian nightclub lady Oksana Kolesnikova nor Russian pop tart Oksana Pochepa, who were both accused in the media of Mel shenanigans. How many Oksanas are there? One can only presume from this whole sorry fiasco that Oksana is the Russian-equivalent of being named Madison in the Western World. So hip. So now.

With Mel's long-suffering-yet-soon-to-be-wealthiest-women-in-the-universe-soon-to-be-ex-wife Robyn filing for divorce and about to take him for everything he's worth, you have to wonder if now really is the time to be publicly stepping out with his chick-on-the-side? I can only see value in this if Mel is trying to hide an even bigger story than the fact that he was cheating on his wife of 950 years. Is Oksana pregnant? Was he cheating with more than one person but he wants to make it look "better" like it was only one? Is Mel ever going to make another Mad Max? Only time will tell...

2. Natalie Portman has unexpected D-list friends!
During Lindsay Lohan's awkard appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show this week, the failed rehabber said that Natalie Portman had helped her through this really rough phase in her life. Really? Not only that, but Nat was also just spotted leaving the Tribeca Film Festival DirectTV lounge with... Hilary Duff. This is stunning to me. Natalie Portman is smart, has cred and just should generally know better. Girlfriend needs a better class of friend, right?

3. Sarah Jessica Parker is expecting twins!
Well, technically she's expecting someone else to have them for her. SJP and gay husband Matthew Broderick's twin baby girls will be delivered via a surrogate mother. The pair are said to be "overjoyed", which is code for "not divorcing for about two months."

4. Chuck Bass is weird...
I knew Gossip Girl's resident bad boy Ed Westwick was kinda kooky, talks to much about his music and has tattoos but I didn't know until now what they were of. I also didn't know about the sheer volume of tattoos he has until his new interview with Interview magazine came out. We're talking Johnny Depp levels of ink. He says his tattoos are mostly... song titles.

"I got “Heartbreak Hotel” tattooed on my chest. And I’ve got “21 Grams,” “Love Me Two Times,” the song by The Doors. I have “I Heart Romance” on my forearm and “You Make Me Feel Like The One” across my shoulder."

Woah there, Mister! I can only assume the last one is from "Dakota" by the Stereophonics but what the hell kind of song is "I Heart Romance"? Well, it isn't.

"I saw it in a bathroom stall in a bar in Brooklyn. I thought it was cool, so I got it," he says.

O....K.... then. Is he done with all the permanent art now? "No, no. Way more—they’re addictive. Get one. You’ll never look back. Live fast, die young. Be a good-looking corpse. Leave a good-looking tattoo." As much as I hate to point it out, as I really hope I'm wrong, but no good can ever come from saying a sentence like that no matter how cool you think it sounds, Ed.

5. Paris Hilton will win an award that wasn't a Razzie!
On the eve of the socialite-with-no-discernible-skills launching her ninth fragrance, Paris Hilton will pick up the Celebrity Award by The Fragrance Foundation at the 2009 FiFi Awards. Apparently this is less like the Ponds Institute than you'd think and more like the actual perfume industry but let's just backtrack a bit - she's onto her NINTH fragrance? Do people really need nine different ways to smell cheap? Crazy!

--
Carolyn Stewart
I choose never to sleep o'clock, April 29, 2009

Susan Boyle: To make-over or not to make-over?

"...Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..."

If you are on the internet right now, and all signs point to the fact that you probably are, then you have no business not knowing exactly who Susan Boyle is.

The dowdy 47-year-old Scot’s appearance (in more ways than one) on Britain’s Got Talent has become a sensation with over 100 million views of her performance on Youtube (Embedding of the video has been disabled, so you'll have to go there to see it), with even the US jumping on the bandwagon.

Susan, you see, has big unkempt hair, equally big unkempt eyebrows, wears nanna dresses and dared to gyrate her hips on stage having already announced she had never been kissed.

The tease!

It goes without saying that in normal life middle-aged ladies with bad hair can’t sing.

Just look at Madonna.

So imagine Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan’s collective horror when she started belting out “I Dreamed A Dream” from Les Miserables (perhaps they prefer “Master Of The House”?) and it sounded rather good.

Simon’s eyes lit up, realising he had just found the biggest novelty hit since Pop Idol’s Gareth “I can’t speak without stuttering but I can sing like an angel!” Gates, and you could almost see the cogs in his brain working as he imagined himself bathing in even more cash, and some time soon after wondered, “Do I pluck this woman to within an inch of her life, or leave her looking like Hagrid?”

Is her charm soley based on the fact that she can sing AND has bad eyebrows?

Simon knows that if he pushes her out now as-is he will make a killing (and you can bet he has already picked out the tracks for her new album and she will be in the studio before the BGT finale airs), but as a novelty act – which, let’s be honest, she will be in such a case – she is unlikely to go beyond a second album.

As an unemployed 47-year-old she will probably be quite happy to take her millions o’ quid back to her village and live the rest of her life with acclaim and the occasional appearance on I Love The ’00s specials.

But by sprucing her up, Simon risks having her loving public seeing her as a sell-out and turning on her, and that is far too big a risk to take, especially after Susan herself spoke out on the subject.

“Maybe I’ll consider a makeover later on,” she told The Times last week, leaving the door open to a new look for her second album. “For now I’m happy the way I am – short and plump. I would not go in for Botox or anything like that. I’m content with the way I look. What’s wrong with looking like Susan Boyle? What’s the matter with that?”

Still, Simon could always get a reality TV crew to start following her around immediately (and if he was a thinker he would) and it could all finish up with the best extreme makeover of all time!

Perhaps following her "secret" chats with Song/BMG, Susan has had a slight change of tune.

“I will need to sort out my dress sense and my weight,” she has now pipped to the Mirror. It wasn’t until I saw myself on TV that I realised how frumpy I was. It’s not a big thing – it doesn’t worry me too much – but I will be doing a bit more exercise to help me sort it out … I just want to look nice, and smart.”

Judging from their internet output a hell of a lot of Americans are desperate for her to be taken to with scalpels and tweezers (Susan Boyle: Bring On The Makeover! shouts E! Online, while USA Today pretends their beauty bias comes from readers; Debate: Should Susan Boyle get a makeover?), while the British like their new hero frumpy.

The UK tabloids are already splashing their front pages with mock-horror after Boyley dared to step out in a – shock! – leather jacket! “And you said you wouldn't change Susan Boyle” cries the Daily Mail.

"I hear this is what all the kids are wearing!"

What a load of old tosh.

Let’s be honest, at this stage nobody knows how Susan will handle the fame game, when it comes to looks or anything else. How will she deal with paps at her front door? And hangers-on offering her gak? We could very well be looking at the next Lindsay Lohan!

Stay tuned.

Scott Keenan

Do my eyebrows look big in this? o’clock

Stop The Lies!
Heather Mills (remember her?) has announced that she has started a one-woman campaign to rid the internet of lies about her, so that her daughter Beatrice won't think badly of her when she's old enough to get online.

"Recently I've been going through the internet, clearing up [rumours]," says Sir Paul McCartney's ex. "I've got five apologies so far from British media and I've got many thousands to go. I plan to clear the internet so my daughter doesn't read all the lies when she's 12."

With the lies out of the way, Bea just has tales of her mother's porn past, crazy talk show rants and throwing water at her dad's divorce lawyer to look forward to.

But Heather's mission has had me wondering why other celebrities aren't online, e-mailing media outlets and bloggers alike to do away with net misconceptions.

Being a kind and helpful soul, I thought I'd give a few of them a head start:

Nicole Kidman does not use botox: she took the briefest glimpse of Medusa and only her forehead turned to stone.

Pamela Anderson is not addicted to marriage: she just loves getting divorced.

Pammy with hubbies number one and two; Tommy Lee

Mel Gibson is not anti-Semitic: he hates everyone equally.

Victoria Beckham is not too thin: her children are morbidly obese.

John Travolta does not wear a wig: it's actually a "hair hat".

Matthew McConaughey is not vain: his nipples are allergic to cotton.

Denise Richards is not a fame whore: cameras help with her debilitating agoraphobia.

Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian: Sam Ronson actually "Samuel".

Kevin Federline is not fat: he's hiding his new love children under his top.

Miley Cyrus is not obnoxious: she's a teenaged girl.

Angelina Jolie is not addicted to collecting babies: she just loves the new baby smell.

Paris Hilton hates parties: but loves free booze.

Tom Cruise is not crazy: he's actually retarded.*

Scott Keenan
Tell Me Sweet Little Lies O'Clock
*Watch Rainman now. Changes the whole movie once you know. For the better!