The 2009 Brainies Awards

The 2009 Brainies: theunibrain's First Annual Boxing Day Awards for Excellence In Entertainment and Stuff.

Death of the year
Carolyn: Michael Jackson. I still can’t believe it’s happened and I still half-think that it’s yet another of his media manipulations and he’ll “return from the dead” for a Comeback Tour in 2015.
Scott: There can be no disagreement here.

But without tragedy we wouldn’t have had:
Carolyn: Corey Feldman of The Two Coreys fame arriving to Jacko’s memorial dressed as… Michael Jackson
Scott: Or Marlon Jackson coming out of hiding. Oh, and MJ's kids being unveiled. So THAT's what Blanket looks like without a blanket over him!

Reunion of the Year
Carolyn: Seinfeld cast on Curb Your Enthusiasm – sure, it made no sense when the episodes aired out of order in Australia but it was hells worth it just for the exchange between Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld about Christopher Walken. “I don’t know why he was on the boat.” Damn straight.
Scott: Andy Dick and sobriety.

Movie of the Year
Carolyn: The Hangover cos next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Scott: Really the only movie I liked as much as The Hangover this year was Star Trek. Who ever would have seen that coming? Thanks JJ!

Worst Movie of the Year
Scott: In a year that brought us Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, Bride Wars, Land Of The Lost and The Lovely Bones, we were really spoiled for choice. But the winner has to be 2012; tired format, tired script, several decent actors totally slumming it. Paranormal Activity, meanwhile, was the least scary scary movie of all time. I fell asleep.
Carolyn: I saw Meg Ryan in The Women on DVD this year. Do not make the same mistake. However, the movie at the cinemas that made me the most angry was The Ugly Truth. Just a poor effort all round and that part with the hot air balloons? Are we even gonna pretend that wasn't green screen? I realise it's 2009 but how hard is it to take out a real hot air balloon and film it? Not very, I say. PS: 2012 was disaster-tastic and I didn't hate Bride Wars. Is that wrong?


Song The 'Brain CLEARLY made a huge hit (maybe): Sam Clark's "Broken". Well done Sam! Well done us! It's time to take another listen...




Australian star who would do well to get to America cos he's awesome: Sam Clark.

Stars we like the best who rhyme: Kylie and Miley

Stars we like the best who rhyme and who should thusly record a duet asap: Kylie and Miley.

Song of the Year
Carolyn: I want to give my vote to "3 Little Words" by Frankmusik but it was snatched out of his hands at the last minute by Lady Gaga’s "Bad Romance". Sorry Frankster.
Scott: I went to my iTunes play count for this answer. It was also Gaga! But very close runners-up are "Beat Again" by JLS, "Who Says" by John Mayer, "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz and "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks.

TV Show of the Year
Carolyn: I want it to be Glee but to be honest if it wasn’t for Jane Lynch, I wouldn’t still be watching. I hand my award to The Big Bang Theory (I heart Sheldon!) and give honourable mentions to Modern Family, Cougartown and Parks & Recreation.
Scott: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Could not agree more with honourable mentions. Additional honourable mentions: 30 Rock, My Life On The D-List, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty.

Far more entertaining off TV than on:
Scott: Home and Away. Oh my.
Carolyn: Two And A Half Men... his arrest is just unfolding but hey, it's Charlie Sheen and it's just GOT TO be more entertaining than on TV.

Best drunken TV host: Karl Stefanovic. His post-Logies hosting of the Today show was utter gold. He should be drunk EVERY DAY! And then come drinking with us.


Richard Wilkins Award for poor research: Richard Wilkins. On Today on the morning of Michael Jackson's death, Dicky reported an internet rumour about Jeff Goldblum dying as fact. Oops.

Award for franchise about vampires that we saw coming a mile off but it still exceeded belief: Twilight.

Couple who are clearly a couple but deny it: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. They are soooooooooo together. Totes.

Worst celebrity couple of 2009
Scott: Rihanna and Chris Brown
Carolyn: I hate everything about Katy Perry and Russell Brand and I can’t even tell you why. Oh hang on, yes I can: because they’re gawdawful!

Taylor of the Year
Carolyn: Swift.
Scott: Roger. (HA!)

Tweeter of the Year
Scott: John Mayer (I think I mean this)
Carolyn: Lindsay Lohan because she’s meltdown-tastic (and because Scott stole John Mayer and I don’t want this list to be too samey)

Worst Tweeter of the Year
Scott: It can only be Diddy. (I have to forgive Spencer Pratt because he unexpectedly started following me - his single redeeming feature!)
Carolyn: I agree. I have deleted Diddy for that very reason... but still his never-ending Tweets continue to appear. How? Damn you, Diddy! I also got rid of Anderson Cooper? Gone. So, let this be a warning to you, warbling Aaron Carter, you're the next to go...
Scott: I totally ditched AC (Aaron Carter, that is)!

Tweet of the Year
Carolyn: @greggrunberg: I don't understand Ashton when he Tweets in English, let alone in French.
Scott: @sarahksilverman: What a fun day! Today was the best anniversary of my family's murder EVER!

Person who has re-conquered TV and has to release some awesome new music now please: Dannii Minogue. (Having Beven, Mark, Vince and Nelson in the video is optional)

Compelling Sports Story of the Year
Carolyn: Tiger Woods delivered EVERYTHING to non-sports fans around the world. Scratches on his face? A car accident IN his driveway? His wife hovering over him wielding a golf club? A mistress in every port? TICK! TICK! TICK! aaaaand TICK!
Scott: Agreed! Although Brendan Fevola and Wayne Carey continue to impress with their efforts.

Insincere Apology of the Year
Carolyn: Chris Brown’s YouTube plea following his bashing of Rihanna. Are you kidding me, dude?
Scott: Daryl Somers after the Hey! Hey! blackface debacle. "I'm sorry IF any people were offended ... blah blah self-promotion, great ratings, Harry Connick Jr loves me, blah, blah"

Unexpected Surprise of the Year:
Carolyn: I cried in Up! but please don’t tell anybody.
Scott: I didn't become a millionaire.

The 2009 Awesomest person on the Planet Award: Alyssa Milano. The 'Brain agree that Twitter has been a revolution if for no other reason than it has put us back in touch with our childhood pal (hey, pals can live in the television, so back off!) and this year selfless Alyssa - star of such faves as Who's The Boss?, Melrose Place, Charmed and the Sheer Cover infomercials - has devoted herself to teaching newbies how the social networking site works. As a reward, we're hoping her new mid-season show Romantically Challenged - which incidentally stars The 'Brain's bestest pal Josh Lawson - is a huge hit. Sadly that will give her less time to Tweet. Sigh. Still, congrats on a fab 2009 from everybody at The 'Brain, Miss 'Lyss!


--
Carolyn Stewart & Scott Keenan,
I want your ugly, I want your disease o'clock, December 26, 2009

Johnny Depp is crazy

Shows Off His Tatt

Plus he's gonna be on SpongeBob Squarepants!

At last year's MTV Movie awards, it was apparent that Johnny Depp had added to his 13-plus-strong tattoo arrangement by getting yet another one. This week, while filming The Rum Diary, the tatt that reads "Silence Exile Cunning" was once again clearly visible on his arm. The three words are part of an extended quote from the James Joyce book A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. [The full quote goes: “I will tell you what I will do and what I will not do. I will not serve that in which I no longer believe, whether it call itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defence the only arms I allow myself to use - silence, exile, and cunning.”]

Nice enough. But it's so large. Like, an Angelina-style large tattoo. Isn't that a weird choice, especially for someone who is meant to be a blank canvas because they totally inhabit their acting roles? It brought back memories of the cast of Charmed - Alyssa Milano, Holly Marie Combs and Rose McGowan era - who were pretty much completely covered with giant tattoos all over their bodies. Even so, the trio continued to get even more tattoos and the situation became so ridiculous that the show's makeup department outright refused to go on painstakingly covering their art every morning... so overnight their once-clean-skinned witch characters became simultaneously tattooed!

The "Silence Exile Cunning" (it's advised you don't say this too many times in a row) tattoo also reminded me of how crazy Johnny Depp secretly is. It's all a very quaint-kooky kind of crazy but crazy it is. Don't get me wrong, Johnny Depp is a lot of things. He's cool. He's good-looking. He's perfect in so many ways.

It's just that he's also a lot of other things. He was a serial engager (Sherilyn Fenn, Winona Ryder). He thinks he's a musician (remember his horrible band P?). He busted up his hotel room in New York cos he claimed he saw bugs everywhere (it must be noted that this is actually one of my favourite stories ever. It is also the best ever cover of Interview magazine complete with the most awesome coverline ever, in my humble opinion*). He's a raving lunatic, basically. Fortunately for the Deppster's agent, he doesn't give that many interviews so he's able to keep the crazy relatively under wraps - kinda like a pre-Scientology-spouting Tom Cruise. Plus, I can forgive just about anything JD does thanks to a tiny phrase that Tom Cruise will never have available as a life line: 21 Jump Street.

Still not convinced he's not all there? Par example: "My body is a journal in a way. It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist."

Do it yourself? With a knife? Ack!

Speaking of tattoos, Johnny always had a lot but, admittedly, some ended up turning out better than others. His "Winona Forever" one - inked for then-girlfriend Winona Ryder - obviously wasn't the best idea for sadly love can fade... but, luckily for him, tattoos can be altered! The odd part is that he still thinks it's funny - like he actually laughs out loud when he retells the story - that he got the inscription famously converted to read "Wino Forrever." Really? That's still funny? O... K...

Despite the obvious and often delightful crazy, I still wonder how long it took after the epic fail of the Winona Forever situation before he was next able to take the monumental, body-altering step of getting a tattoo again. I imagine your average person would be quite hesitant. But, given Johnny's body of work, clearly he didn't suffer any of these hang-ups as he seemingly gets a new mark about as often as Lindsay Lohan heads back into rehab. ie. A LOT. Still, while he's had no issue adding the names of his darling kids, Lily-Rose and Jack, to his tattoo collection, long-time love Vanessa Paradis has not made the cut. Maybe he's had a hard time working out what high-larious variation the name "Vanessa" could be turned into were they ever to split? "Undresser", anyone?

More importantly than all of this - and, if I were honest, the actual reason I started this post but then got, ahem, side-tracked - JD has lent his gravelly voice to the episode of SpongeBob Squarepants that airs in the US this week. He guest-stars as the voice of Jack Kahuna Laguna (hee hee), a legendary surfer who lives on an island where SpongeBob and his friends find themselves stranded after being swept away by a wave.

He's done 21 Jump Street AND SpongeBob SquarePants? I think we all now know that it is entirely possible for a hot person to earn two lifetime passes!

* This is the best excerpt from Interview magazine's Brendan Lemon interview with Johnny Depp from 1995 re: his arrest

BL: I want to ask you about your arrest last year for busting up a Manhattan hotel room. Now as one who was arrested once myself in New York, and who spent the night in a holding pen, I want to say that it was the most humiliating experience of my life. But at least I had the cover of anonymity. You did not.
JD: No, I didn't. I did to some extent, thought, because people didn't expect to see me there. (laughs) They had other things on their mind, and seeing me there was not so important. The New York cops that I experienced were pretty nice. They were just doing their job and some goofy actor decided to get into a little bit of trouble and ended up in the pokey.

BL: When you were arrested, did the police realize immediately that you were Johnny Depp? Or did it take them a while to figure it out, like it did when Hugh Grant was arrested last summer?
JD: No. They knew my name.

BL: I won't ask you to rehash the scene of you in jail, which I understood involved the other prisoners screaming your name and the cops asking you for autographs. But I would like to know: Were you taken aback by being arrested in a situation like that?
JD: I just thought, I've done much worse things and not been arrested for them. As a kid you get into stuff and you get away with it. The idea that some guy, like everybody else, gets upset, freaks out, smashes a couple of things, and goes to jail for it -- that's one thing. But for these kinds of things to turn into the media frenzy is another thing. OK, Hugh Grant got busted with a prostitute. Fine. Leave it at that. What'd I do? Broke a couple of things. I paid for it.

BL: You said that at the hotel that night you just sort of freaked out for a moment. Had you had too much coffee? An argument with your girlfriend (Kate Moss)? A really bad day?
JD: There's one thing I do want to clarify. It had nothing to do with an argument with Kate. It had to do with me.

BL: So no one thing set it off?
JD: OK. There was a bug in the place that I was trying to kill. This thing had tried to attack me and to suck my blood -- a big cockroach. And I tried to get it, I tried to whack it. I'd miss and I'd smash a lamp.

BL: So this was all about trying to kill a bug?
JD: One very big bug.

BL: Big-as-a-Buick bug?
JD: Yeah.

BL: Do you have a thing about bugs, generally?
JD: I like bugs, normally.

Carolyn Stewart
My heart wants pancakes for breakfast but my brain says oats o'clock, April 23, 2009

Why infomercials are better than actual TV

There was a time when infomercials would fill me with rage; How can TV networks get away with putting on half hour ads as if they were content? But, while I still agree that it is virtually criminal, a funny thing happened on the way to sleepy town: insomnia has made celebrity-filled, cheese-packed showcases of youth serums and rubbish cooking appliances a sure-fire pre-bedtime hit. And with the commercial channels all screening them and the addition of HD infomercial channel Expo, I am spoiled for choice when it comes to early am viewing. Despite my notoriously short attention span, at 3am the hypnotic repetition of the infomercial is like a lullaby. You can have your Lost and Heroes with their convoluted storylines and no pay-off. This is real entertainment – with instant results!

I offer you my top picks for infomercial viewing:

1. Proactiv Solution
Anti-acne wonder cream Proactiv is the undisputed king of celebrity-endorsed infomercial goods. Hosted by Vanessa (L.) Williams, the spots have featured Jennifer Love Hewitt, Diddy, Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, Serena Williams … and one of Britney Spears’ dancers … who confirmed Britney once used the product.

Making it all the better is “Australia’s own” Michala Banas (born in New Zealand) now spruiking the product. Her segments – indeed, the whole infomercial – are beautifully shot, and Michala is possibly more natural than anyone has ever been in an infomercial before. While this is a product I don’t need, there have been more than a few times at 3am when she has been extolling the virtues of this seemingly acid-like face formula that I have considered calling. Instead, I have drunkenly facebooked her. Which is much worse. But cheaper.

2. Sheer Cover

In the tradition of Natural Glow and Thin Lizzy comes brush-on wonder powder Sheer Cover. But instead of giggling at New Zealand accents for half an hour, you get a glam affair hosted by former Entertainment Tonight reporter Leeza Gibbons, who is joined by former Little House On The Prairie star Melissa Gilbert and Star Of Everything Alyssa Milano.

The best bit of the entire program is when Alyssa is “surprised” by a shot of herself arriving at the studio before having been made over with Sheer Cover. She squirms at the mere thought of the photo … which looks much like Alyssa but slightly paler.

Poor Melissa Gilbert, in contrast, is an embarrassment of pink blotches and pasty white patches. “Irish skin,” she explains, not realising the person who told her that was comparing her hide to a 70-year-old life-long alcoholic they’d once seen in a Donegal pub.

Through it all, stoic Leeza is there to smile and applaud as our stars are “humiliated” by before pictures, all the while stuffing their pockets with cash.

3. Flavor Wave

Not satisfied with pimping Snickers, Mr. T has been raised from the ashes of ’80s memories past to become a selling machine. His latest product is the Flavor Wave, a low-fat, high-speed counter top convection oven thingy. An odd match you might think, until it’s pointed out that cooking low fat meals on a Flavor Wave delivered Mr. T his brute strength – a good 25 years before the product’s invention.

Bursting through a door in all his faux angry B.A. Baracus glory, Mr. T dazzles a studio audience with catchphrases, “I pity the fool” and “I love it when a plan comes together” (which fans will note was actually Hannibal’s line – sadly George Peppard made the grave error of dying before he was able to hock low-fat cooking appliances) and salivates over steaks and cinnebuns alike. It all plays like a rerun of The A-Team – without the team, or the action … and with more cooking.

4. Principal’s Secret / Youthful Essence

I am cheating a bit by putting these two products together, but their pitch is the same: old actress lady who appears to have had a lot of face work sells products which will help you look like her.

Firstly there’s 59-year-old Victoria Principal. The former Dallas star has been selling her range for a million years, and it must be working because her skin looks like that of a china doll. Victoria has IN NO WAY had plastic surgery, and the fact that she looks like one of the aliens from Signs in a Lindy Chamberlain wig is all down to her magical creams. And nothing to do with the fact she was married to a plastic surgeon for 21 years.

Taking a leaf out of Victoria’s book is All My Children star Susan Lucci, 62, who is off-loading what looks like a personal orbital sander that grinds away at those skin cells that would be otherwise impossible to wash off with soap and water. The spot sees hipster Susan and an assorted gaggle of her AMC co-stars (presumably the ones she doesn’t have Sarah Michelle Gellar-style feuds with) walk the streets of Manhattan in slow motion and have a boozy lunch as they laugh about the joys of Susan’s miracle serum. Yes, it’s all very Sex And The City, with Susan as Samantha….’s mother.

5. TimeLife Music Collections

Arriving home post-pub on a Saturday morning there is nothing quite as satisfying as singing along to one of TimeLife’s CD collection infomercials. My love first started with the Classic Soft Rock collection, hosted by Air Supply. As if hundreds of 15 second clips of songs by Bread, America and Journey weren’t brilliant enough, the highlight is when the token TimeLife host lady announces, “I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Air Supply!” And you just know she had no idea who they were before she booked the gig. I know this infomercial so well that I can literally sing every song clip together as a medley – I’m not the only one, Australia Idol’s James Mathison and I once performed it as an impromptu duet.

The newest collection is the ’80s Music Explosion hosted by Belinda Carlisle (or at least a fembot who claims to be her). Whenever I see it I can’t get “Obsession” by Animotion out of my mind. There it is again! Must go listen.

Bonus infomercial: The Snuggie

The Snuggie infomercial is not even screened in Australia, but lucky for us the internet has made this genius product – a blanket with sleeves! – available to all. The best thing about this ridiculous invention – now you can answer the phone while still rugged up in a blanket! – is that you too can look like one of The Emperor's Royal Guards from Star Wars.

Scott Keenan
Wrapped in a Snuggie as we speak o'clock

George Clooney returns to ER

Famous Folk? Y'all Could Learn Something From George Clooney.

Short of getting Johnny Depp to do a 21 Jump St remake, scoring all-six stars for a Friends reunion or global pop princess Kylie Minogue returning to humble Ramsay Street for a guest-spot on Neighbours, ER getting George Clooney back on ER as his original character Dr Doug Ross is possibly the biggest "get" of recent times. He hadn't been seen in his scrubs since 2000 and in the interim has an Oceans trilogy plus responsibilities as every other year's World's Most Sexy Man. My point is, he didn't need to come back to the show. On top of that, I have to agree with most of the unofficial reviews I've read that have involved the person/blogger stating that they didn't even realise they were still even *making* ER until they heard about George's return. So, you know, it's not like it's the best or most-watched show on television anymore.

Although I need no such proof of what I'm about to say, but his lack of airs and graces once again reminds me that George is one of the world's best people. Sometimes when a star returns to a show - eg. Nathan Fillion returning to One Life To Live or House's Jesse Spencer popping into Neighbours for their 20th birthday - it's only their obsessive followers who realise what a big thing that is and just how much it means to fans. For George, he's one of the biggest stars in the world... and yet still he can return to the series that made him a star? What a tops guy!

You Don't Really Need Proof But Here's Top 5 Reasons Why George Clooney Is The World's Best Person (reasons other than his looks, intellect and do-gooderness that have been widely noted elsewhere):

1. From all reports, George's decision to return to ER was based on a brief conversation with former co-star Julianna Margulies. It was a conversation that seemingly went a little like this. GC: "Hi, it's me, George. Are you going back?" JM: ‘If you do it, I’ll do it." GC: "Well, if you do it, I’ll do it!"

2. As soon as the rumours began swirling about George returning to ER, I just knew he would. He's just that kind of guy. However, the first hint I had that George may well remain gracious while others enjoying life at the top would not was a comment he made some time ago while doing promo for Solaris. While plenty of stars get antsy and refuse to talk about their early projects, George welcomes - and thankfully is in on the joke about - talk of his early roles on The Facts of Life or Return of The Killer Tomatoes. After one such discussion, George recounted a story that every actor (of any level of success) would do well to take damn close note of: "When I did One Fine Day and Michelle Pfeiffer and I were doing press, somebody brought up Grease 2 and she said, 'Oh, please don’t, don’t, don’t.' And I said, 'Oh, come on. 1982, you come home, turn your answering machine on and your agent says, ‘You got Grease 2.’ You jumped up and down and screamed and danced, going, ‘I got Grease 2!’' Things just change. It doesn’t matter. It’s all part of the process. I’m sure Isabelle Adjani screamed when she got Ishtar. 'I’m working with those guys!' It’s one of those things where you just go, 'Look, it was at a period of time in your life when you needed a job.' I’m so not ashamed of those. I’m embarrassed at times because I had this horrible Facts of Life thing where you get the worst case of overconfidence and bad acting you’ve ever seen in your life. So, it’s not just bad, it’s big. You go, 'Oh, my God, it’s horrible.' But it’s all part of the building blocks of this business and probably the best lessons are that you can look back at those and go, 'Okay, I don’t want to do that anymore.'" And that, friends, is when I went from being in love with George Clooney to being *IN LOVE* with George Clooney.

3. His friends are not just hot, they're Brad-Pitt-hot or Matt-Damon-smart-and-hot. More guys could stand to run in packs like that, I say.

4. CloFu. George is literally good enough to, erm, eat. [learn about the full horror @: CloFu]

5. Remember when he had that little-that-turned-freaking-giant-but-still-cute pig called Max?? Well, that pig was loved. Awww. Poor Max.

So, not that it means much of anything but I had to put out into the ether/internets that I am just so proud of George for returning to ER. He didn't have to. But he did. And that, friends, is the difference.

I now hand over to my interweb colleague, SK, to be contrary (as is regularly his whim) re: George or to discuss at length exactly how Alyssa Milano went from a 300 year run on the rather-excellent Charmed to be making unneccsarily bizarre makeup infommercials. His call.

--
Carolyn Stewart
Too-late-o'clock, Monday, March 16, 2009