The 2009 Brainies Awards

The 2009 Brainies: theunibrain's First Annual Boxing Day Awards for Excellence In Entertainment and Stuff.

Death of the year
Carolyn: Michael Jackson. I still can’t believe it’s happened and I still half-think that it’s yet another of his media manipulations and he’ll “return from the dead” for a Comeback Tour in 2015.
Scott: There can be no disagreement here.

But without tragedy we wouldn’t have had:
Carolyn: Corey Feldman of The Two Coreys fame arriving to Jacko’s memorial dressed as… Michael Jackson
Scott: Or Marlon Jackson coming out of hiding. Oh, and MJ's kids being unveiled. So THAT's what Blanket looks like without a blanket over him!

Reunion of the Year
Carolyn: Seinfeld cast on Curb Your Enthusiasm – sure, it made no sense when the episodes aired out of order in Australia but it was hells worth it just for the exchange between Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld about Christopher Walken. “I don’t know why he was on the boat.” Damn straight.
Scott: Andy Dick and sobriety.

Movie of the Year
Carolyn: The Hangover cos next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Scott: Really the only movie I liked as much as The Hangover this year was Star Trek. Who ever would have seen that coming? Thanks JJ!

Worst Movie of the Year
Scott: In a year that brought us Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, Bride Wars, Land Of The Lost and The Lovely Bones, we were really spoiled for choice. But the winner has to be 2012; tired format, tired script, several decent actors totally slumming it. Paranormal Activity, meanwhile, was the least scary scary movie of all time. I fell asleep.
Carolyn: I saw Meg Ryan in The Women on DVD this year. Do not make the same mistake. However, the movie at the cinemas that made me the most angry was The Ugly Truth. Just a poor effort all round and that part with the hot air balloons? Are we even gonna pretend that wasn't green screen? I realise it's 2009 but how hard is it to take out a real hot air balloon and film it? Not very, I say. PS: 2012 was disaster-tastic and I didn't hate Bride Wars. Is that wrong?


Song The 'Brain CLEARLY made a huge hit (maybe): Sam Clark's "Broken". Well done Sam! Well done us! It's time to take another listen...




Australian star who would do well to get to America cos he's awesome: Sam Clark.

Stars we like the best who rhyme: Kylie and Miley

Stars we like the best who rhyme and who should thusly record a duet asap: Kylie and Miley.

Song of the Year
Carolyn: I want to give my vote to "3 Little Words" by Frankmusik but it was snatched out of his hands at the last minute by Lady Gaga’s "Bad Romance". Sorry Frankster.
Scott: I went to my iTunes play count for this answer. It was also Gaga! But very close runners-up are "Beat Again" by JLS, "Who Says" by John Mayer, "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz and "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks.

TV Show of the Year
Carolyn: I want it to be Glee but to be honest if it wasn’t for Jane Lynch, I wouldn’t still be watching. I hand my award to The Big Bang Theory (I heart Sheldon!) and give honourable mentions to Modern Family, Cougartown and Parks & Recreation.
Scott: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Could not agree more with honourable mentions. Additional honourable mentions: 30 Rock, My Life On The D-List, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty.

Far more entertaining off TV than on:
Scott: Home and Away. Oh my.
Carolyn: Two And A Half Men... his arrest is just unfolding but hey, it's Charlie Sheen and it's just GOT TO be more entertaining than on TV.

Best drunken TV host: Karl Stefanovic. His post-Logies hosting of the Today show was utter gold. He should be drunk EVERY DAY! And then come drinking with us.


Richard Wilkins Award for poor research: Richard Wilkins. On Today on the morning of Michael Jackson's death, Dicky reported an internet rumour about Jeff Goldblum dying as fact. Oops.

Award for franchise about vampires that we saw coming a mile off but it still exceeded belief: Twilight.

Couple who are clearly a couple but deny it: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. They are soooooooooo together. Totes.

Worst celebrity couple of 2009
Scott: Rihanna and Chris Brown
Carolyn: I hate everything about Katy Perry and Russell Brand and I can’t even tell you why. Oh hang on, yes I can: because they’re gawdawful!

Taylor of the Year
Carolyn: Swift.
Scott: Roger. (HA!)

Tweeter of the Year
Scott: John Mayer (I think I mean this)
Carolyn: Lindsay Lohan because she’s meltdown-tastic (and because Scott stole John Mayer and I don’t want this list to be too samey)

Worst Tweeter of the Year
Scott: It can only be Diddy. (I have to forgive Spencer Pratt because he unexpectedly started following me - his single redeeming feature!)
Carolyn: I agree. I have deleted Diddy for that very reason... but still his never-ending Tweets continue to appear. How? Damn you, Diddy! I also got rid of Anderson Cooper? Gone. So, let this be a warning to you, warbling Aaron Carter, you're the next to go...
Scott: I totally ditched AC (Aaron Carter, that is)!

Tweet of the Year
Carolyn: @greggrunberg: I don't understand Ashton when he Tweets in English, let alone in French.
Scott: @sarahksilverman: What a fun day! Today was the best anniversary of my family's murder EVER!

Person who has re-conquered TV and has to release some awesome new music now please: Dannii Minogue. (Having Beven, Mark, Vince and Nelson in the video is optional)

Compelling Sports Story of the Year
Carolyn: Tiger Woods delivered EVERYTHING to non-sports fans around the world. Scratches on his face? A car accident IN his driveway? His wife hovering over him wielding a golf club? A mistress in every port? TICK! TICK! TICK! aaaaand TICK!
Scott: Agreed! Although Brendan Fevola and Wayne Carey continue to impress with their efforts.

Insincere Apology of the Year
Carolyn: Chris Brown’s YouTube plea following his bashing of Rihanna. Are you kidding me, dude?
Scott: Daryl Somers after the Hey! Hey! blackface debacle. "I'm sorry IF any people were offended ... blah blah self-promotion, great ratings, Harry Connick Jr loves me, blah, blah"

Unexpected Surprise of the Year:
Carolyn: I cried in Up! but please don’t tell anybody.
Scott: I didn't become a millionaire.

The 2009 Awesomest person on the Planet Award: Alyssa Milano. The 'Brain agree that Twitter has been a revolution if for no other reason than it has put us back in touch with our childhood pal (hey, pals can live in the television, so back off!) and this year selfless Alyssa - star of such faves as Who's The Boss?, Melrose Place, Charmed and the Sheer Cover infomercials - has devoted herself to teaching newbies how the social networking site works. As a reward, we're hoping her new mid-season show Romantically Challenged - which incidentally stars The 'Brain's bestest pal Josh Lawson - is a huge hit. Sadly that will give her less time to Tweet. Sigh. Still, congrats on a fab 2009 from everybody at The 'Brain, Miss 'Lyss!


--
Carolyn Stewart & Scott Keenan,
I want your ugly, I want your disease o'clock, December 26, 2009

Vale Brittany Murphy

Remembering Brittany
Classic moments from a star gone too soon We at the 'Brain were deeply saddened to hear of the passing of Brittany Murphy at the age of just 32. We were lucky enough to meet Brittany a few times and it is safe to say that she was one of the sweetest, most engaging - if a tad erratic - celebs we've ever dealt with.

With Alicia Silverstone and Stacey Dash in Clueless

Brittany leaves behind a massive resume dating back to the classic teen comedy Clueless, through to Girl, Interrupted, Don't Say A Word, Riding In Cars With Boys, 8 Mile and Just Married. She also provided voices to Luanne in King Of The Hill and Gloria in Happy Feet.

King Of The Hill's Hill family (Luanne on far right)

We've collected a few of our favourite Brittany moments for you to see, including her single (a 'Brain favourite) "Faster Kill Pussycat" with Paul Oakenfold. The song topped the US dance chart in 2006. There's also her classic appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman in which she reacted to ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher hooking up with Demi Moore, and the trailers for Don't Say A Word featuring her iconic line "I'll never tell!" and Just Married in which she displayed her brilliant comic abilities.




Vale Brittany, you'll be missed.

Scott Keenan
I'll never tell o'clock

NEW CUTE VIDEO! Jake Gyllenhaal on Sesame Street

We all knew the celebrities were lining up for their turn on Sesame Street's 40th season but the final result for one of them is even cuter than we could ever have imagined. Check out the high-larious footage of Jake Gyllenhaal as he teaches the meaning of the word "separate"... with the help of his new octopus friend! Observe...

Awwww! And, just in case you missed it, here's a clip of his equally cute sis Maggie with a gaggle of the Sesame monsters from her appearance a month ago. Check it out...



Right, that's it. It's official. I wanna be a Gyllenhaal!


--
Carolyn Stewart
Separate away! o'clock, December 15, 2009

The Muppets and Andrea Bocelli perform Jingle Bells

More Muppets!
And some other guy
I just watched the Muppets perform "Jingle Bells" with Andrea Bocelli (ask your grandparents) on Jay Leno and, of course, because Jay is on NBC, and NBC hate youtube and foreigners (let's call them racists and be done with it), the video can't be posted here.

Luckily for us they'd already performed the same song (better) on a PBS Christmas telethon last week! Huzzah!



Our sometimes friend Deltra Goodman just toured with Andrea doing Christmas shows - does this mean she meant the Muppets and DIDN'T TELL US?

Scott Keenan
It's beginning to look a lot like a very Muppet Christmas o'clock

Rihanna and Andy Samberg on Saturday Night Live

Ri-Ri and Shy Ronnie
Not so live on SNL
Rihanna appeared on Saturday Night Live this weekend, and as well as performing two so-so songs from her so-so album, she also did a Digital Short with Andy Samberg.

The weirdest bit for me was that she lip-synced the whole thing. Why are her vocals always so processed? I mean, we all know she hasn't got the world's strongest voice, but in the context of a skit it played really weird.

Also: I'm not a fan of her new Military Ho makeover. The idea seems to be to try and make fatigues as slutty as possible (her soon-to-be-released video for "Hard" features her wearing a top made of bullets ... classy!). And the orange hair? Just no. She seems to be making some really odd choices right now music-wise and fashion-wise.

Anyway, watch...

Scott Keenan
Rihanna ... Shy Ronnie ... o'clock

THE KILLERS NEW CHRISTMAS SONG!

"Well, I woke up Christmas morning..."

I have a few key words for you about The Killers fourth annual charity Christmas single, my friends:

Luke. Freaking. Perry.

The next word is... observe:

"Happy Birthday Guadalupe" - The Killers

--
Carolyn Stewart
Put your feet up, baby, it's Christmas time o'clock, December 2, 2009

NEW VIDEO Jordin Sparks & Guy Sebastian

Check out the video for Guy Sebastian's latest single from his fifth album Like It Like That. The clip for the awesome "Art of Love" - featuring none-other-than Jordin Sparks - does start off with you wondering if the pair have ever been in the same room together but they do end up "in person" in scenes that can only be described as awkward. See it for yourself...



Chemistry minus. Guy is just so giggly. Bless. Guess it's lucky they chose to stand near Twilight trees, that it's a great song and that their voices go so well together...


--
Carolyn Stewart
You need to spell it out o'clock November 29, 2009

The Muppets perform "Bohemian Rhapsody"

Miss Piggy is the new Queen
(Possibly the best cover EVER)

WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY.
That is all.

Scott Keenan
Scaramouche! o'clock

SEE: Janet Jackson's new Make Me video

The Return of Janet
(Miss Jackson, if you're nasty) Let's be honest; it's been quite a while since Janet Jackson's music career has been on track. Her last few albums were patchy, and oddly S&M obsessed, and were pretty much snubbed by the public at large despite housing some genuinely good material. The ghost of Superbowl performances past apparently still lingers in many a prudish mind.

But Janet is back - BACK! - with a very decent ditty called "Make Me" from her new greatest hits compilation Number Ones (which features Canadian, South African and club chart number ones to boost the track listing).

The song features the lyrics "don't stop 'til you get it up" in an obvious nod to her late brother Michael's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" and the just released video bares more than a small resemblance to the video for "Scream", the siblings' duet (compare and contrast below) and sees her don a fedora, one of MJ's trademarks.

Let's hope "Make Me" gets Janet - who is looking great (let's all ignore the metallic shoulder pads) - back on track and making some bondage-free hits!



Scott Keenan
Make the rules up as we go along / and break them all if we're not having fun o'clock

VIDEO! New Moon Reenactment!

NEW MOON HAS LANDED
... in doll form!

A little indie flick called New Moon is apparently out. Anyway, at the LA premiere of this tiny lil' flick, Peter Facinelli and wifey Jennie Garth reenacted the whole film with Edward, Bella and Jacob dolls for Access Hollywood. Check it out, vamps...



Cuuuuuuuuuuuute!

--
Carolyn Stewart
"I think this is the Luke Perry doll... they just re-did the head" o'clock, November 18, 2009

NEW PICS! Two confirmed Twilight couples!!

Twilight Hand Holding Frenzy!

Yesterday the Twilight universe was abuzz over the photos of Robert "Smelly" Pattinson holding hands with Kristen "Possibly A Guy" Stewart. The cute photos were taken in Paris and clearly mean they are dating. Right?

Anyway, the best bit was that the frenzy from fans debating whether it's proof of their love or not prompted their vampy costar Peter Facinelli to post a pic and caption of his own via his Twitter account...

Co-stars caught holding hands. Guess this picture proves everything. #Pellan

Hilarious!

Pete and Kellan are much better than Rob and Kristen, hey? Team Pellan!

--
Carolyn Stewart
White demon, widen your heart's scope o'clock, November 12, 2009

FIRST LOOK: James Franco on General Hospital

GHD(amn)
Franco checks in!
Things sure are heating up on General Hospital!

I mean, the show doesn't even air in Australia any more and I would struggle to fit it in with my Days Of Our Lives and The Bold And The Beautiful commitments, but wow, there's a murder or something...

Hey, where was I?

Oh. ABC (US) has released a preview of James Franco's stint on GH, where he's playing a mysterious stranger (aren't they all?) new to Port Charles who just happens to like his art to feature dead people.

"Hi, I'm new in town. Say, have you seen any dead people?"

Didn't this same storyline happen on The Sullivans once? It was Uncle Harry or Mrs Jessop ... it'll come to me.

Anyway, take a look!

Scott Keenan
Can Seth Rogen do Neighbours please? o'clock

VIDEO: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia's Kitten Mittons

Sunny funnies:
This Christmas's must-have itemI cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard: it's Charlie Kelly's (Charlie Day) homemade informercial for his genius new product Kitten Mittons (he's illiterate) from last week's It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia! You know, in a world where the Snuggie is the year's new product success story, these could really catch on.

Finally there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats!

Just listen to how hysterical his voice is when he says "all the time". I love it.

Oh, and please excuse the "someone filmed the TV" cammando-style video. That said, thank you to the youtuber who filmed the TV!



PS: Charlie wasn't the only one coming up with genius marketing ideas last week; you can check out Mac and Dennis's Dick Towel infomercial here. (For prudish types, it's probably not safe for work)

Scott Keenan
Is your cat making too much noise all the time? o'clock

Sesame Street Turns 40

The UniBrain Presents:
Sesame Street WeekIf you have visited Google over the past week you will be aware that its main page has been taken over by the characters of Sesame Street, in honour of the seminal kids show's 40th anniversary. I didn't even know people still used the main page - don't they use Google toolbar? Come on people! - but I have had to check it out every day to share in the awsomeness.
Like most people born in the past 40 years, Sesame Street played a huge part in my young life (and, let's be honest, beyond). It is fair to say I was quite obsessed. My first concert was Sesame Street Live In Concert (although as far as "live" goes, I have a feeling they may have have pre-dated Britney in the old miming department), and I had several of the brilliant albums featuring songs from the show (more on that to come!). I just remembered being most offended when some "big kids" on the bus once asked me if I had gone to see Follow That Bird (Big Bird's feature film debut) and I was all "I'M NOT A BABY!" Turns out I was five. Huh, go figure (and, yes, of course I had seen it). Below you'll find some of my all-time favourite moments from the show (that I could find).In my research I have found out several startling things, such as the fact that Herry Monster, who is like family I never visit, has not been seen in the street since 2004! 2004! BRING BACK HERRY!Wait, it gets even worse; Barkley the dog - giant, orange, and endlessly confusing to me as he was much larger than any dog I had ever seen before - has "rarely" been seen since the late '90s! HE IS THE BEST DOG IN THE WORLD (RIP Bouncer) BRING BACK BARKLEY! (I also found out that Barkley was originally called Woov-Woov, but Gordon decided to change his name one day. "I don't like it," he said to Bob of the doggy's name, and then just changed it. Whatever, he's always been Barkley to me)

Anyway, enjoy now some classic Sesame moments. In this special birthday week, we will be bringing you EVEN MORE Sesame Street, because let's face it, you can never have enough.

This first clip is from what I have been assured was a woeful 1978 Sesame Street Christmas Special. But never mind that, Michael Jackson meets Oscar The Grouch!



A moment that just blew my mind was when C3PO and R2D2 visited Sesame Street. As I was obsessed with Star Wars and Sesame at the time, it was like Christmas. In this rare clip we get to meet R2's Earth girlfriend.


One of the all-time most powerful Sesame Street moments was when Mr Hooper died. Will Lee, who played the street's wise shop keeper, had died in 1982 and the following season it was decided it should be written in to teach kids about death. He was pretty much the first person I knew who had died so it was pretty shocking when Big Bird was told the news. I may have gotten some pesky dust in my eyes when I watched this again. (Even though the way they keep saying "death" and "dead" all the time - in true Sesame style - is creepy). It also occured to me while watching that I think Gordon and Susan are my black parents. Watching them immediately makes me feel calm and looked after. (Maria, on the other hand, I thought I would one day marry)


The classic '70s/'80s closing credits feature Barkley playing in Central Park with a group of kids. I could never work out how they hid from him behind that tree!


Scott Keenan
BRING BACK BARKLEY! o'clock

FULL VIDEO Rihanna speaks out

Rihanna: "He had no soul in his eyes"

Snippets of Rihanna's lengthy 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer about the night that changed her life surfaced on the interwebs over the last week but now the whole thing is online. Check out what she has to say about then-boyfriend Chris Brown's attack...

Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:


Part 4:


Part 5:


Brave interview. Naturally, Chris isn't too happy with it and has stated he was hoping the details of the assault would remain a "private matter between us"... except for when he appeared on Larry King, he wrote a song about it and then he pleaded to her via YouTube. Yeah, that's heaps private, dude. Oh, you mean you want Rihanna not to speak about it. I see. That makes sense. Wow. You really are a "Changed Man".

Seriousness aside, "I feel like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears" is one of my favourite quotes of all time. Nice.

--
Carolyn Stewart
"The whole world hates him now"... true dat o'clock, November 8, 2009

VIDEO! New Robbie Williams

NEW VIDEO
Robbie Williams: "You Know Me"

Robbie Williams has released the video to his latest single, "You Know Me" and, well, he wears a bunny suit for pretty much the entire thing. The song is the second to be taken from his new album Reality Killed The Video Star so check out the, erm, inneresting clip now...



You Know Me - Robbie Williams (Official full-length video)

Robbie Williams | MySpace Video

Aliens? Fine, we've all come to terms with that... but rabbits?? Either way, Sir Bob has high hopes for the single which he is predicting will be a Christmas No.1 in his native UK. Hmmm... well, it does have strings so we'll see.

--
Carolyn Stewart
I've been doing what I like, when I like, how I like o'clock, November 7, 2009

Finally! Melissa Joan Hart & Joey Lawrence team up for sitcom

Will this be the best show ever?
Whoa! (ie: clearly)‘Brain “favourite”, and former star of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Melissa Joan “Wonky” Hart has revealed that she is set to film a pilot for a new sitcom with onetime Blossom star Joey Lawrence.

The as-yet-untitled show will see Wonky play Hailey “a political dynasty wild child-turned-politician who takes in her teenage niece and pre-adolescent nephew when her sister goes to prison and her brother-in-law flees”. As for Joey, he’ll play Jack, a friend who is desperate for a job and becomes the “manny”.

That’s right; they’re remaking Who’s The Boss? with a dash of Benson. Oh, and The Nanny.

“It’s going to be a fun little sassy character for me,” says MJH. “It’s going be different ‘cause I get to play a little bit more of a grown-up, a politician, kind of a bad girl politician.”

Wonder if she’ll love a drink?

Meanwhile, MJH was recently voted off the US version of Dancing With The Stars, which led to a horrible moment on Jimmy Kimmel … well, you should just watch it. But even Jimmy seemed to feel bad about his own quip.


While we’re at it, let’s watch the video for Joey’s awesome 1994 single “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix”. I loved this song. Especially the rap (HA!) which features one of the worst lines in the history of song “Baby you’ve got to see it too/But lately you been actin’ like I smell like a zoo”.

Scott Keenan
Who smells zoo? O’clock

NEW VIDEO! Taylor Swift Band Hero

SWIFTY'S NEW VIDEO!

Look, I didn't want to like Taylor Swift but... here we are. She's infectious... and not in the bad way. Everything she does is right on the money and her new Risky Business-style Band Hero ad is no exception. In the clip, the country superstar performs her hit "Love Story" with Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz, Blink 182's Travis Barker, and Weezer's Rivers Cuomo as her backup band. Ch-ch-check it out:



Players of the family-friendly Guitar Hero spinoff will be able to play as Swifty or alongside her as she performs her hit songs "Love Story", "You Belong With Me" and "Picture to Burn".

Loves it.

--
Carolyn Stewart
It's a love story baby just say yes o'clock, November 4, 2009

REVIEW: Robbie Williams "Reality Killed The Video Star"

'Brain Track-By-Track:
The Return Of Sir Bob
After an altogether too-long wait, Robbie Williams - officially one of The 'Brain's all-time faves - returns with his new album Reality Killed The Video Star (it's like Christmas in November!). Ahead of its release this weekend, we've had the chance to devour it and, of course, are all-too-willing to deliver our opinions.

While right-thinking people recognise his last album Rudebox as a flawed masterpiece that looked to be setting Sir Bob up for a much-needed change in direction, British tabloids and disappointing sales seem to have convinced him it was time to regress to rock ballads. As such he has reunited with former writing partner Guy Chambers and enlisted Trevor Horn (of Frankie Goes To Hollywood fame) as producer.

The result is a competent mixed bag...

Morning Sun
A surprisingly low-key opening to the big “comeback” album, "Morning Sun" is classic mid-tempo ballad Robbie that goes all Beatles halfway through. Lyrically and melodically it probably harks back most closely to I’ve Been Expecting You. Perfectly acceptable, but should have come later in the track listing.

Bodies
The album’s first single may have a killer chorus – which brings a welcome oomph to the album five minutes in - but the Jesus-packed verses are a little lacklustre. What on Earth is the swear word under that beep? Why is there a beep on this version? BAH! Still, this one will probably be looked back on fondly in years to come. And the strings are still awesome.

You Know Me
The second single, this is certainly less polarizing – but not nearly as big – as “Bodies”. It’s mid-tempo Bob again, but sounds suspiciously like it could have been recorded in Vegas in the early ‘70s; we’re talking Barry Manilow-style piano, strings, claps and “shoo-da-bop” backing vocals.

Blasphemy
Wow this is a slow starting album; don’t people normally stuff the ballads at the back? This one is confessional Robbie, with nods to his depression and the stresses of trying to write hits. One of the simplest offerings here, it has really grown on me with more listens. Probably worthy of a teary listen with a scotch.

Who's a happy boy, then?

Do You Mind?
Hang on, what’s this? Rock guitars? Drums? Hey “Do You Mind?” might be laid-back rock, but it’s a stark change of pace to the preceding tracks. While it never quite hits the heights you wish it would, there is no doubt this song will go off live (and yet it was notably missing from his Electric Proms concert the other week). Certainly a possible single, but could maybe do with a bit of amping up in the (very catchy) chorus. Remix, anyone?

Last Days Of Disco
And now what’s this? Now we’re all synth and drumpads and Rudebox-y? How delightful. “Don’t call it a comeback/look what I’ve created here” he sings, seemingly not realising that the reason people are calling it a comeback is because he hasn’t created anything in years and years. Aurally pleasing, but a bit middling.

Somewhere
“Somewhere” clocks in at the grand total of one minute and two seconds. And a thoroughly enjoyable one minute and two seconds it is. So enjoyable that it could have been at least three times this long. He seems to be telling listeners that they don’t need to worry about his love life as they have their own to worry about. Or something.

Deceptacon
This song successfully merges all of the albums influences into one song. Part rock ballad, part swing, part electro, it’s one of Bob’s more complex tracks. As if embracing his very Englishness after years in America, Robbie the witty lyricist is in fine form here. Plus, it’s all tied-in with Transformers – marketing genius! Bob says he overlooked this one for inclusion on the album until Trevor convinced him otherwise. Thankfully! It’s one of the best tracks on the album.

Starstruck
I love strings as much as – possibly more than – anyone, but by this stage in the album Trevor Horn’s overuse of the old string section gets a little tiresome. This appears to be a disco song that is near-impossible to dance to. Well, I suppose you could shuffle. Or just drink more. In a recurring theme, the impressive verses lead to a chorus which doesn’t really go anywhere.

Difficult For Weirdos
Ooh we’re back to electro now. Very Pet Shop Boys, this one (as was “Last Days Of Disco”). It’s a pity that Rudebox didn’t entirely work, because this is a sound that Rob sounds very comfortable with. He even gives some sort of insight into his relationship (one presumes) with whatshername, as he suggests the answer to his life-long love issues was to find somebody as weird as he is. Oh, and he also finally admits to being a lesbian. Another highlight.

Superblind
Not a look back at Bob’s days on the booze, this ballad is about a critical person and … look; I’m not entirely sure what it’s about. I think being “superblind” is not judging people with preconceived notions, and whether he’s talking about an ex or a friend or critics, I have no idea. But when he declares “I’m the genius behind me” I sure did laugh.

"I'm loooooking at you!"

Won’t Do That
Okay, so this one really is about his girlfriend, whatsadoo, and Sir Bob really does sound happy – which is rather nice seeing as that hasn’t happened in a whole lot of his songs, really – and it turns out that he plans on treating whatsachops very well, thankyouverymuch. Plus he knows whatserface must be the one because he’s not jealous any more. Lovely. This could also be a single. I hope he’s writing down my single choices. OR THERE’LL BE TROUBLE.

Morning Sun (Reprise)
We’re brought full circle with an instrumental version, culminating in a rousing chorus, of the first track. He closes with the question “Who am I to rate the morning sun?” As if somehow suggesting that I shouldn’t be critiquing his life’s work. Which is fair enough, but a bit late!

The biggest problem with Reality Killed The Video Star is not the songs themselves, but the sequence of them. It takes too long to kick off, and then only really does in a muted fashion.

What is really missing is two or three massive potential singles, as Robbie himself laments in “Blasphemy”, he has struggled to come up with hits. These songs are all good, but there is nothing that really anchors the album as a whole and it feels as if it floats from one song to the next – often confusingly.

My favourite Robbie is “Rock DJ” and “Let Me Entertain You” and “Kids” Robbie. This album delivers none of him.

One can’t help wondering what might happen if he really mixed things up in the writing department. Working with RedOne or Timbaland might sound very basic, but it could just be awesome. Or, you know, that Gary Barlow guy.

Just a thought.

That said, Robbie certainly does seem to be back on track, and I can always hope that he delivers everything I’d like next album. Right? Right!

You can download an album medley (more accurately "a shabbily pasted together group of bits of songs") HERE.

Scott Keenan
We've Been Expecting Him O'clock