Why infomercials are better than actual TV

There was a time when infomercials would fill me with rage; How can TV networks get away with putting on half hour ads as if they were content? But, while I still agree that it is virtually criminal, a funny thing happened on the way to sleepy town: insomnia has made celebrity-filled, cheese-packed showcases of youth serums and rubbish cooking appliances a sure-fire pre-bedtime hit. And with the commercial channels all screening them and the addition of HD infomercial channel Expo, I am spoiled for choice when it comes to early am viewing. Despite my notoriously short attention span, at 3am the hypnotic repetition of the infomercial is like a lullaby. You can have your Lost and Heroes with their convoluted storylines and no pay-off. This is real entertainment – with instant results!

I offer you my top picks for infomercial viewing:

1. Proactiv Solution
Anti-acne wonder cream Proactiv is the undisputed king of celebrity-endorsed infomercial goods. Hosted by Vanessa (L.) Williams, the spots have featured Jennifer Love Hewitt, Diddy, Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, Serena Williams … and one of Britney Spears’ dancers … who confirmed Britney once used the product.

Making it all the better is “Australia’s own” Michala Banas (born in New Zealand) now spruiking the product. Her segments – indeed, the whole infomercial – are beautifully shot, and Michala is possibly more natural than anyone has ever been in an infomercial before. While this is a product I don’t need, there have been more than a few times at 3am when she has been extolling the virtues of this seemingly acid-like face formula that I have considered calling. Instead, I have drunkenly facebooked her. Which is much worse. But cheaper.

2. Sheer Cover

In the tradition of Natural Glow and Thin Lizzy comes brush-on wonder powder Sheer Cover. But instead of giggling at New Zealand accents for half an hour, you get a glam affair hosted by former Entertainment Tonight reporter Leeza Gibbons, who is joined by former Little House On The Prairie star Melissa Gilbert and Star Of Everything Alyssa Milano.

The best bit of the entire program is when Alyssa is “surprised” by a shot of herself arriving at the studio before having been made over with Sheer Cover. She squirms at the mere thought of the photo … which looks much like Alyssa but slightly paler.

Poor Melissa Gilbert, in contrast, is an embarrassment of pink blotches and pasty white patches. “Irish skin,” she explains, not realising the person who told her that was comparing her hide to a 70-year-old life-long alcoholic they’d once seen in a Donegal pub.

Through it all, stoic Leeza is there to smile and applaud as our stars are “humiliated” by before pictures, all the while stuffing their pockets with cash.

3. Flavor Wave

Not satisfied with pimping Snickers, Mr. T has been raised from the ashes of ’80s memories past to become a selling machine. His latest product is the Flavor Wave, a low-fat, high-speed counter top convection oven thingy. An odd match you might think, until it’s pointed out that cooking low fat meals on a Flavor Wave delivered Mr. T his brute strength – a good 25 years before the product’s invention.

Bursting through a door in all his faux angry B.A. Baracus glory, Mr. T dazzles a studio audience with catchphrases, “I pity the fool” and “I love it when a plan comes together” (which fans will note was actually Hannibal’s line – sadly George Peppard made the grave error of dying before he was able to hock low-fat cooking appliances) and salivates over steaks and cinnebuns alike. It all plays like a rerun of The A-Team – without the team, or the action … and with more cooking.

4. Principal’s Secret / Youthful Essence

I am cheating a bit by putting these two products together, but their pitch is the same: old actress lady who appears to have had a lot of face work sells products which will help you look like her.

Firstly there’s 59-year-old Victoria Principal. The former Dallas star has been selling her range for a million years, and it must be working because her skin looks like that of a china doll. Victoria has IN NO WAY had plastic surgery, and the fact that she looks like one of the aliens from Signs in a Lindy Chamberlain wig is all down to her magical creams. And nothing to do with the fact she was married to a plastic surgeon for 21 years.

Taking a leaf out of Victoria’s book is All My Children star Susan Lucci, 62, who is off-loading what looks like a personal orbital sander that grinds away at those skin cells that would be otherwise impossible to wash off with soap and water. The spot sees hipster Susan and an assorted gaggle of her AMC co-stars (presumably the ones she doesn’t have Sarah Michelle Gellar-style feuds with) walk the streets of Manhattan in slow motion and have a boozy lunch as they laugh about the joys of Susan’s miracle serum. Yes, it’s all very Sex And The City, with Susan as Samantha….’s mother.

5. TimeLife Music Collections

Arriving home post-pub on a Saturday morning there is nothing quite as satisfying as singing along to one of TimeLife’s CD collection infomercials. My love first started with the Classic Soft Rock collection, hosted by Air Supply. As if hundreds of 15 second clips of songs by Bread, America and Journey weren’t brilliant enough, the highlight is when the token TimeLife host lady announces, “I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Air Supply!” And you just know she had no idea who they were before she booked the gig. I know this infomercial so well that I can literally sing every song clip together as a medley – I’m not the only one, Australia Idol’s James Mathison and I once performed it as an impromptu duet.

The newest collection is the ’80s Music Explosion hosted by Belinda Carlisle (or at least a fembot who claims to be her). Whenever I see it I can’t get “Obsession” by Animotion out of my mind. There it is again! Must go listen.

Bonus infomercial: The Snuggie

The Snuggie infomercial is not even screened in Australia, but lucky for us the internet has made this genius product – a blanket with sleeves! – available to all. The best thing about this ridiculous invention – now you can answer the phone while still rugged up in a blanket! – is that you too can look like one of The Emperor's Royal Guards from Star Wars.

Scott Keenan
Wrapped in a Snuggie as we speak o'clock