André Rieu on Neighbours and more...

The Five Most Bizarre Things That Happened In The Last 24 Hours

1. André Rieu appeared on Neighbours
The most famous boring person in the world arrived by limo to Ramsay Street tonight and played his violin for Paul and Rebecca. The whole premise was gloriously ridiculous, which I am whole-heartedly for. However, it's just a shame the guest star wasn't someone fun. Meanwhile, I maintain that "André Rieu" is actually Bruce Willis in a wig. Look at the facts: Bruce hasn't worked (in anything worth watching) in recent years. "André's" career has skyrocketed in recent years. Bruce always harps on about loving jazz music but was upset his albums didn't do that well. "André" realises money can't be made off jazz and that the people really want violins. Bruce was born in Germany. "André" can speak German. Bruce is... secretly "André". Think about it.

2. Chris Brown pleaded not guilty
Despite being charged with two felonies for the alleged assault on Rihanna, Chris Brown appeared in court today and actually pleaded "not guilty, your honor." Seriously? We all saw those pictures, right? The fact that Chris himself admitted he was "sorry and saddened" by the incident about a week after it happened doesn't seem to have come up. Unbelievable.

3. Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady's shotgun wedding.
As the good-looking pair - he's totally better looking than she is but I digress - exchanged vows in Costa Rica, one of Gisele's bodyguards fired gunshots - GUNSHOTS! - at the paparazzi eager to get a snap of the proceedings.
“At that moment, I thought was going to die,” says shot-at photographer Rolando Aviles “The bullet went between us, missing our heads. If the bullet had been a little more to the left or right, it would have killed one of us.”
It's dreadful but... I. Love. It. Is that wrong?

4. Wolverine-er Hugh Jackman joined Twitter
I know this is a thing of chocolatey-goodness but it's kinda weird when famous people of employ join. I mean, how will poor Hugh Jackman compete with the inane twittering madness of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's 50,000 tweets a day? Anyway, if you wanna find him, tweet on over to: Twitter.com/RealHughJackman. Sample tweet so far: "Great day catching up with family." Yawn. Time to step it up, scissor hands.

5. DJ is all growned up.
Candace Cameron Bure - that's DJ Tanner of Full House fame to you - is 33 today. The sister of Growing Pain's pin-up Kirk's birthday is April 6 so, in the US, she's partying right now. THIRTY THREE. Cut.. It.. Out!
These days, CCB is married, a mother of three and writes a monthly column for Christian Women Online [CLICK ON ME!]. In happier news, she's thankfully returning to TV in the upcoming Perfect 10 about a group of teen hopefuls as they train for the Olympics. Does that sound a bit too much like like the old Aussie Heath Ledger/Martin Henderson show Sweat? Yes, it does. She plays the "step-mom" of someone. Still, whatever it takes to get her back on TV is fine with me. Happy birthday, CCB!

Carolyn Stewart
André Rieu o'clock, April 7, 2009

Does anybody else remember ... ?
Jonathan Lipnicki EditionI hated Jerry Maguire. I have often said it is the worst movie of all time (this is a much bigger issue for another day), but the one thing I did love about that overly long mess was Jonathan Lipnicki. You know, the tiny little nerdy kid who played Renée Zellweger’s son Ray and out-acted Tom Cruise in every scene they shared.
I went from bored to angry and then suddenly delighted whenever he appeared, sharing his amazing four-year-old insights.

Remember these amazing quotes?
“Do you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?”
“Do you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?”
“Do you know that my next door neighbour has three rabbits?”, and
“You said fuck.”
GOLD!
You can relive some Jerry now, but be warned, this scene features an Operating Thetan.

He followed up Jerry with films like Stuart Little and its sequel, Like Mike and (my personal favourite) The Little Vampire. He even made a notable guest appearance on Dawson’s Creek and was in Bronson Pinchot’s Mork & Mindy rip-off Meego.

But where is he now?

Well Jonathan, now 18, looks a little different to back in the day …
…the glasses (and, err, shirt) are gone … wonder about the speech impediment?

While Jonathan hasn’t starred in a main stream flick in years, his website claims to be “coming soon”, and imdb says the flick Queen Kong is awaiting release. Can’t wait for that one.
He also stars in the new online series Brohan, which you must watch now!
While you're youtubing, you can also see him competing in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu bout. No, really!

Come back Jonathan! You might be all scary big and old now, but there has never been a better time for a sequel to The Little Vampire!

Is that Irony?
Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney (they were in some '60s band) reunited on stage at Radio City Music Hall in New York for a charity which promotes transcendental meditation to school children.
Seriously.
Anyway, the pair teamed up for Ringo to sing “With A Little Help From My Friends”. I was delighted that he sang the line “I will try not to sing out of key” completely out of key.
Life is magic.

Scott Keenan
Daylight saving is over all is right with the world o'clock

Kylie Minogue says she has had botox

BOTOX WARS!

Kylie
vs
Nicole

Kylie Ann Minogue has finally actually admitted that she has used Botox in the past. Thanks, Captain Obvious. My only issue is that she said "in the past" because she's seemingly still a user but I will let that slide since she finally actually said it. This news - which in itself is not shocking but the fact she admitted it kinda is - reminded me of Nicole Mary Kidman (who is clearly Botoxed within an inch of her life) previously stating that she's totes natural and has never had anything done ever. Bitch, please. We've all seen BMX Bandits. At the very least we know you've got an out of control mass of ginga hair that you straighten and colour. Then there's the question for the ages: where have all your bazillions of freckles gone? As for all the rest, quite frankly, luv: you're a liar. I really think I would just prefer it if, like Kyles, she just said, "Yeah, this is what I do. What of it?" Respect.

Below is a handy summary of what the two - who coincidentally both starred in Moulin Rouge where they eagerly exchanged plastic surgery tips on set (OK, I made the end of that sentence up) - have said on the pressing matter so you can decide the best approach for yourself.

WHAT KYLIE (now) SAYS ABOUT BOTOX (which I must admit has an April Fool's Day feel about it but let's say they are real quotes for now):
* "I'm definitely not one of those people who says, 'You shouldn't do this.' Everyone individually can do what they want."
* “I also think it doesn't have the stigma that it had when I was growing up. For all time women have wanted to, for the most part, look their best."
* "It's just that what we have available to us today is - what it is today. I'm preferring to be a lot more natural these days. I've tried Botox, I've tried all."

WHAT NICOLE SAYS ABOUT BOTOX (coincidentally looking surprised the whole time cos she can't move her face cos of all the Botox):
* "To be honest, I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything. I wear sunscreen, and I don't smoke. I take care of myself. And I'm very proud to say that."
* "Anybody can do anything to themselves, their bodies. I have no judgment on it. I personally believe in physical health because of the way I was raised. I can't go in the sun; I'm fair skinned. That was a nightmare when I was a kid, but it has some benefits now. It's that simple. I still had one skin cancer on my leg, because I put my legs in the sun."

I say the Kidman lady doth protest too much. Just come clean.
Advantage Minogue.

Carolyn Stewart,
Stop saying the starter disk is full or I'm going to cry o'clock, April 3, 2009

Songs That Shouldn’t Be On My iPod… But Are
I surely can’t be the only person who, on occasion, will scroll through the songs on their iPod and think, “How did that get on there and in God’s name why?”
Never having been a fan, I was mighty confused when I recently found Limp Bizkit happily hibernating between Limahl and Lindsay Lohan (actually, I should probably apologise for those too… between Lily Allen and Lionel Richie?). Anyway, as it turns out Fred Durst wasn’t the half of it…

Limp Bizkit – “Rollin’”I honestly have no idea how this got on here. It doesn’t even appear to be from a mix tape or anything. I listened to it, for research purposes, and you know what? I have forgiven them a tiny bit for being one of the most awful bands ever because this could slip into a party mix one time.

James Blunt – “You’re Beautiful”
One of the most annoying songs ever by one of the most obnoxious singers – of course it’s on my iPod! It made its way via some compilation album. I’d delete it, but what if there is a James Blunt emergency and I need it?

Beth Anderson – “Dance Dance Dance”
I didn’t even recognise this song on my playlist – but it turns out it’s from the Scarface soundtrack. The Scarface Soundtrack is packed with trash-tastic ‘80s Giorgio Moroder-produced tracks as performed by no-names (and Debbie Harry) and could not be more ill-fitting with the film itself. Many (but not this one) ended up on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Thanks Beth!

Faith Hill – “Joy To The World”
HUH? Oh, I see. This one featured on Oprah’s free Christmas CD which came out last year, and of course it had to be downloaded. Il Divo made it on for the same reason. Oprah has a lot to answer for.

Chad Kroeger – “Hero”I famously hate Nickelback and all they stand for (which, from what I can tell, is selling irony-free bad music to stupid people), and this song made the old ‘pod when I DJed for my cousin’s birthday and he requested it. But you know, as I realised at the time, of all Chad’s god-awful songs, this is probably the best.

Mika – “Grace Kelly”
I NEVER liked this song. Argh.

Rammstein
German metalers Rammstein have three (three!) songs on my 'pod – they feature on the Lost Highway and The Matrix soundtracks. Being a completest prevents me from deleting these songs even though I always skip them. You can’t have songs missing from a soundtrack!

Whigfield – “Sexy Eyes”
My secret shame.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen – “I Am The Cute One”This one started as a joke song (or so we tell people) that Carolyn gave me on a mix CD, but the song – performed by the twins when they were around five years old – is so tragi-comic that it can't help but be a winner. With nasty lyrics like; “I am the cute one/everyone knows/I’ve got the profile/she’s got the nose” how could you lose?
[Watch it!]

Danny Devito’s Premium Lemincello
I can’t lie – this song got into my head and I just had to have it with me at all times. Go on – listen to it again!

Scott Keenan
I just found 10 more crazy songs on my iPod o'clock

Dylan Moran's fame

What Dylan Moran Deserves
I own the Black Books box set but I never think of Irish comedian Dylan Moran until I see him and then I am reminded of his greatness. The man in question told Kerry O'Brien "I'm very suspicious of everybody" in an interview that aired this very eve and everything else he said was also universally appealing. If you ignore his hatred of Australia, of course. And I thought, why isn't he more famous? Despite roles in the Simon Pegg flicks Shaun of the Dead and Run Fatboy Run, he remains someone that you have to know who he is to know who he is... so I thought of more folk and divided them up into helpful categories.

People who deserve to be more famous
* Dylan Moran - See above
* Hilary Duff - I never thought I'd say this because, when she first burst on the scene as Lizzie Maguire, I accused her of being a 35 year old hag playing a 15 year old... but over the years I've warmed to the Duffster and I think she's cool. She has fun pop songs and I like fun people.
* Will Arnett - I've offered up Will to represent the entire cast of the flawless - and criminally cancelled - show Arrested Development. I know that of late WA has popped up in films more regularly as well as on and off in 30 Rock but, still, he could stand to be Jim Carrey, you know?
* Cameron Daddo - He's hot and can act enough to get by so I don't get why there wasn't a Hugh-Jackman style mania about Cameron in the US at some point. Apart from that stupid model show that, ahem, ruined his marriage.
* Jennifer Love Hewitt - She knew how to get the fame, she just didn't know how to keep the fame. Where did it go wrong for JLH? Why isn't she A-list? I still like her so I'm in favour of someone setting her up with, say, a Robert Pattinson-type and giving her a high-profile job (if only to get the freaking woeful yet incomprehensibly popular Ghost Whisperer off the air).
* Amanda Bynes - Amanda Bynes has felt like she was on the verge of something ever since she semi-emerged from obscurity. I guess it's never going to happen now but she's still ace.
* Taylor Kitsch - The ridiculously dreamy and best thing - amongst a long list of good things - to come out of the brilliant series Friday Night Lights. I love Tim Riggins! However, I feel he will date my list the quickest cos when X-Men Origins: Wolverine comes out, he'll undoubtedly get the fame he deserves. Yeah, Gambit!

People who deserve to be less famous
* Bono - I used to think you were mildly-better-than-OK but now I just want you to take off your glasses, Paul David Hewson. Then wake up to yourself and stop being a pompous ass .
* Gisele Bundchen - You're not with Leo anymore, you're dead to me.
* Britney Spears - I'm all for Mickey-Mouse-Clubbers-done-good-then-bad-then-semi-OK-again fame but you need to be nicer and gain a sense of humour somehow.
* Lleyton Hewitt - You've had an inexplicably good run, Lley-Lley. Bye-bye now.
* Angelina Jolie - Did you deserve your status when you were wielding knives and stealing husbands? Sure. Now you're a UN ambassador and taking in orphans? Yawn. Bring back the vials of blood, ploise.
* Miranda Kerr - I didn't like your DJs predecessor Megan Gale at first but then I warmed to her cos she has a personality. You, however, do not suffer the same affliction. Shame.

People who I don't care about but I thought would be more famous
* Hayden Christensen - He's occasionally appealing but, more importantly, he was Darth Vadar Jr. Shouldn't that give you a lifetime pass in the big leagues? How is he stuffing this up?
* Mischa Barton - Everybody loved her and then, all of a sudden, everybody didn't. It was weird. It was truly overnight. Is it because she's actually a nasty cow?

People who have the right level of fame
* Jim Carrey - I love, love, love Jim Carrey and will never stop - even if he marries a former Playboy bunny and starts writing books about himself. Oh.
* Jennifer Garner - She's funny, seemingly a great person, married to an Affleck, has cute kids and was beyond perfect in Alias. Tick.
* Drew Barrymore - Former bad girl, successful production company, awesome interviewee, kinda kooky and BFFs with Cameron Diaz. All good.
* Jonas Brothers - I love a Hanson-style "mania" even if I don't totally understand what fans experiencing the mania are seeing. At all. Wouldn't the average kid at the fan's school be better looking than a Jonai? Anyway, I like one of their songs, I think. Their movie Camp Rock was absolutely appalling but they've made up for it because they seem to actually like their fans and sometimes they bring the funny (ie. dubbing their little brother Frankie, the "bonus Jonas"). Proceed....

Over and out for now. I hope when next I blog that JLH has miraculously skyrocketed away from those pesky ghosts, out of Jamie Kennedy's arms and back onto, well, at least the B-list.

Carolyn Stewart
Tiredness is killing me o'clock, April 1, 2009