Robbie phones home

"Shhh! I seen a black triangle!"

Robbie Williams loves UFOs. He can’t get enough of them. And during his self-imposed exile in Los Angeles over the past few years he became an almost full-time UFO fancier, frequenting spooky websites and taking trips to Area 51 and the like and having several sightings of his own.

The UK tabloids loved it, painting him as a modern era Howard Hughes (admittedly the Grizzly Adams beard he grew – apparently inspired by a post-Beatle Paul McCartney – didn’t help); isolated, rich and crazy.

Sadly it’s now all over, with Sir Bob moving back to the UK and announcing, via his website, that he has decided to take a break from UFO watching so he can release a long-awaited new album. While I am delighted by the prospect of finally having some new material from him (he’s currently recording with legendary producer Trevor Horn), I am sad it has put a halt to his plan for an alien-themed TV show. (Yes, really)

The LA move came after the lukewarm reception to his last album Rudebox (which I have to say I really quite like) and he decided to disappear for a while.

“I looked for something else to do, something not to do with music,” he writes on his blog. “As you probably now know I’ve always been fascinated with the paranormal (and the people that surround it), still am, so I tried to make some in-roads and thought I’d maybe do a TV show with a paranormal theme, something like the Arthur C Clark shows that I loved as a kid (Arthur C Clark backed with Tales Of The Unexpected can really make for a terrifying Sunday when you’re eight). That's what the UFO thing was all about. But that’s been shelved for the time being on the grounds of I couldn’t really be arsed.”

Robbie proves his identity to fellow posters on UFO and conspiracy site Above Top Secret

The show would be worth seeing if only to hear Robbie tell the stories of his own close encounters.

“I was at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I was lying on my sun lounger outside at night, looking up,” he says of his first close contact. “Then, about 300 foot above me, there was this square thing which just passed over my head silently and then shot off.”

But the “square thing” wasn’t Bob’s only run-in with UFOs. Oh no. His love of the paranormal and relocation to the US had made him a veritable magnet for strange floaty things.

“The next one was the weirdest one yet. I'd just written a song called ‘Arizona’, and it's all about alien contact and I was playing that,” he pips. “I stood on the balcony and there was this big ball of gold light that turned up - we thought it was Venus or Mars or something. Then the song stops playing and it disappears. But then we put ‘Arizona’ on again and the ball turned back up. It happened four times. After that a massive electrical storm started and these two big massive balls of light started dancing in the sky. It was like a whole light show for about an hour."

It doesn’t end there kiddies! Course not. The aliens (it should be pointed out that Robbie never says they are aliens, and rather UFOs. I just felt a need to mention aliens as it seems more alarmist) love his music so much they even visited him in the recording studio in the form of a “big strip of black light”.

“It was three inches thick and it shot from one end of the room out of the window,” he chirrups. “It's absolutely bonkers. It’s something to do with LA.”

Now he’s remembered he’s a pop star it may be some time before we hear more alien (sorry, UFO) shenanigans from Sir Bob. I just hope to see some spooky flying shapes should he perform “Arizona” at his next concert.

Scott Keenan
I seen a UFO but nobody believes me o'clock

Gwyneth Paltrow not-so-secretly hates Winona Ryder

FRENEMY WARS!
GWYNETH vs WINONA

I subscribe to Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop email thingo and I kinda love it. Hey, don't judge me, we all have dirty little secrets. Anyway, I absolutely forgot how BFF Gwyneth and Winona Ryder were (back when they were dating other BFFs Ben Affleck and Matt Damon respectively) until I got her latest newsletter where she talks about a "frenemy". And, while this frenemy could feasably be anyone, surely signs point to it being Ol' Five-Fingers Ryder?

"Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us? I asked the sages to shed a little light.
Here’s to washing our mouths out with soap...
Love, Gwyneth"
For more GOOP: [CLICK ON ME!]

Just in case you're still unsure of the identity of the frenemy, maybe a refresher on their history is in order. You see, former BFFs Gwynnie and Winnie were always rumoured to have had a massive falling out because Winnie accused Gwynnie of stealing Shakespeare in Love from her (oh, to have been a fly on the wall of that blow up!). It's worth noting that the pair were inseperable prior to this and then, when that rumour spread, they were never seen hanging out in public again. Also, sure, the rumour sounded suitably ridiculous and Winona-kinda-crazy at the time but now I totally believe Gwynnie did. I love her but she's calculating and just that kind of person.

So, while GP doesn't spell out the name W-i-n-o-n-a in her newsletter, it allegedly - ahem - has to be! The "something unfortunate and humiliating" happening to her frenemy surely refers to Winnie being done for shoplifting from Sak's Fifth Avenue in 2001. I now can't help but picture G turning on the news on the day of W's arrest and guffawing like a mad person. Love it!

The weird thing is that, despite her Ice Queen reputation, Gwyneth always wants to come off as nice-as-pie in public so I can't imagine what she is thinking by starting this likely war of words. While I do give her kudos for admitting to the whole principle of feeling glee at a frenemy's fall from grace, it still has me worried for her. Sure, your average person might be able to let this slide but this is Winona freaking Ryder we're talking about. Surely she'll see through this thinly-veiled attack and unleash the crazy. There's no way she's not going to fight back. It's going to be dirty. Game on!

Carolyn Stewart
I should be eating breakfast o'clock, April 17, 2009

The Bitch Is Back

The classic Melrose Place cast including Heather Locklear (top left), Laura Leighton (centre) and Thomas Colabro (top right)

After the success of The CW's Beverly Hills 90210 relaunch (in the US that is – only a handful of episodes were ever screened in Australia, where it had the humiliation of being axed twice), it was only a matter of time before they did the same with the BH 90210 spin-off Melrose Place, which followed the (sex) lives of the 20-something inhabitants of an apartment building on LA’s Melrose Avenue.
This week filming has begun on the pilot for the new version, which stars Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (horrifying message board nerds and delighting me) and one-time Home and Away star Stephanie “formerly Stephanie Chaves-Jacobsen” Jacobsen. Both appear to be playing prostitutes. So at least that’s in-keeping with the spirit of the original show.
Original cast members Thomas Colabro (the awesome Dr. Michael Mancini) and Laura Leighton (Sydney Andrews) are back on board, despite the fact that Sydney died at the end of season five in the arms of her new husband “Crag” (spelled “Craig” and played by the awful David Charvet).
Sydney has clearly been revived to take the place of Heather Locklear’s Amanda Woodward, as Heather, who clearly hasn’t heard about the financial crisis, wanted too much money. If the show is a hit she may yet change her mind.

It seems poor, desperate, hilarious Lisa Rinna who played a pair of lips named Taylor McBride has been overlooked for the new cast. Lisa has made no secret of wanting to return to the show, even taking to the streets of Hollywood wearing a sandwich board reading “Honk 4 Lisa Rinna on the new Melrose Place” with Ross The Intern from The Tonight Show. This may actually be the best thing to happen this year.

"Will over-act for publicity!"

Anyway, I actually want Lisa back in the cast; she was both crazy and amusing.
She even has plans for her character!
“I left the show pregnant, but I can't remember if it was Michael's or Peter's baby,” Lisa says (It was Michael's). “But you could age that baby up and add five years, and you have a teenager. Or maybe I come back to run the apartment complex. Or maybe I open my own ballroom dance studio.”
Be quiet now Lisa.
Also set to pop up on the show is Ryan Eggold, the “cool teacher” Ryan Matthews on 90210, who is set the cross between the two. While the shows are supposed to live in the same world, Jessica Lucas, who played Ryan’s girlfriend Kimberly MacIntyre on 90210, is playing Riley Richmond on Melrose, and 90210 regular Rob Estes (West Beverly principal Harry Wilson) was on the original Melrose as Kyle McBride (after a guest role years earlier as Sam Towler). Confused?
It will be interesting to see how the new version plays out. 90210 came back after the success of teen soaps like Dawson’s Creek and Gossip Girl, but there hasn’t been a successful adult soap since MP 1.0. And while the original series started as a straight-down-the line episodic spin-off of Beverly Hills 90210, it was only after producers turned up the crazy that anybody watched. Soon people were blowing things up and returning from the dead and everyone was having an affair with someone else. Which was excellent.
Let's hope they just cut straight to trash this time around. The trick for the producers will be walking a fine line between so-bad-it’s-good and, well, bad.
I for one hope the show is awesome and that Ten will air it for longer than two weeks.

Scott Keenan
So late it's almost tomorrow o'clock

Shia LaBeouf was always a geek

SHIA LABEOUF'S

HIGH-LARIOUS YEARBOOK PHOTO

"And you thought the funniest thing about me was my name..."

I know it's hard to believe but it's quite possible that Indiana Jones 4 star Shia LaBeouf was once even nerdier than he is today. GASP! Thanks to the unearthing of his 1999 yearbook photo, it's hard see past his then-13-year-old self's unabashed enthusiasm and boundless glee. Well, that's unless you actually do look past that crap... and then it's pretty clear that he would have been not only teased mercilessly at school, but also beaten within an inch of his life. Sniffle. Poor The LaBeouf! With that in mind, I felt the need to find the precise words that perfectly describe the hilarity while also trying to encompass how the other little 7th Graders at Shia Elementary would have reacted to him at the time this doozy of a photo was taken. Ready?

It's a quote. From The Simpsons. It's Nelson.
You need to have his sing-songy voice in mind.
Are you ready? OK, here goes: HA HA!

It's... VINTAGE VIDEO!

"Twist My Arm" - Kylie and Dannii Minogue

Vintage is so now. So happening. So, with that in mind, I had to share the trip back to 1986 that one of my pop-lovin' friends Colleen sent me. It's of Kylie Minogue and then-famouser sister Dannii singing The Pointer Sisters, erm, hit "Twist My Arm" live (well, technically they recorded it live in a studio beforehand and then came on stage to mime to, well, themselves) at a Young Talent Time concert. It's not only worth watching to see Kylie arrive via motorcycle, the out-of-control '80s jazz moves and Dannii rocking a half side-pony but it's also worth checking out the pre-Kath & Kim way-ocker accents at the beginning. While these days Kylie has gone all cosmopolitan (ie. icky) with her voice, I'm proud to advise that Dannii has kept her inner-bogan alive and well with a thick Aussie accent. Enjoy the video, mate...



Carolyn Stewart
I must confess in tiny type that Dannii Minogue was my style icon in the '80s and early on I loved her more than Kylie o'clock, April 15, 2009

Stop The Lies!
Heather Mills (remember her?) has announced that she has started a one-woman campaign to rid the internet of lies about her, so that her daughter Beatrice won't think badly of her when she's old enough to get online.

"Recently I've been going through the internet, clearing up [rumours]," says Sir Paul McCartney's ex. "I've got five apologies so far from British media and I've got many thousands to go. I plan to clear the internet so my daughter doesn't read all the lies when she's 12."

With the lies out of the way, Bea just has tales of her mother's porn past, crazy talk show rants and throwing water at her dad's divorce lawyer to look forward to.

But Heather's mission has had me wondering why other celebrities aren't online, e-mailing media outlets and bloggers alike to do away with net misconceptions.

Being a kind and helpful soul, I thought I'd give a few of them a head start:

Nicole Kidman does not use botox: she took the briefest glimpse of Medusa and only her forehead turned to stone.

Pamela Anderson is not addicted to marriage: she just loves getting divorced.

Pammy with hubbies number one and two; Tommy Lee

Mel Gibson is not anti-Semitic: he hates everyone equally.

Victoria Beckham is not too thin: her children are morbidly obese.

John Travolta does not wear a wig: it's actually a "hair hat".

Matthew McConaughey is not vain: his nipples are allergic to cotton.

Denise Richards is not a fame whore: cameras help with her debilitating agoraphobia.

Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian: Sam Ronson actually "Samuel".

Kevin Federline is not fat: he's hiding his new love children under his top.

Miley Cyrus is not obnoxious: she's a teenaged girl.

Angelina Jolie is not addicted to collecting babies: she just loves the new baby smell.

Paris Hilton hates parties: but loves free booze.

Tom Cruise is not crazy: he's actually retarded.*

Scott Keenan
Tell Me Sweet Little Lies O'Clock
*Watch Rainman now. Changes the whole movie once you know. For the better!