Ellen DeGeneres to be on Oprah Winfrey magazine cover

An Open Letter To Oprah Winfrey.

Dear Oprah Gail Winfrey,

It's me, Carolyn. You may not remember me but that's mainly because we've never met. That minor non-issue aside, you have always inspired me to keep going forward and live my best life.

Currently, eating Cheezels, updating Twitter whilst simultaneously trying to ignore Two And A Half Men on my TV is the best life I can manage right now but I digress...

My point is that I couldn't help but notice that you arrived on Ellen DeGeneres's show via satellite and gave in to her begging to be on the cover of your magazine, the awesome O magazine. You said that you'd been following Ellen's plight to copy Michelle Obama and you added, "I believe that when you dream it and conceive it, you can have it and achieve it."

Well, funny you should mention that, Opey, cos I truly believe you are correct. You have taught me over the years that anything is possible. It's possible to have a book club that people actually want to be a part of and it's possible for a person (albeit one operating at a certain level) to have no option but to jump on a couch like a loon cos they're so in love with Katie Holmes. So, believing what you say is true, my question for you is that if I was to mention that my dream was coincidentally exactly the same dream as Ellen's, does that mean you'll arrive in my lounge room via satellite - it's how all the cool kids travel - and offer me the same goal realisation? You'll say that I can appear on the cover of O magazine with you just because I can dream and concieve it?

I know what you're thinking, Oprah. I do. I'm not famous or anything. That's true. I'm not famous but does that mean I shouldn't be able to have the same dream as a famous person? No, frankly, it does not.

Sure there are ways that I am vastly different to your new BFF Ellen. Like, I'm not married to Portia de Rossi (but I am Australian just like her), I don't have a TV show (but I do watch TV shows), Time magazine sure as hell has never done a cover story on my sexuality (yet Dude-Where's-My-Car?-vintage Ashton Kutcher once bit me on the face if that helps) and I don't have a contract as Covergirl's cover girl (but I do wear make-up in the hope of being your very next cover girl). In acknowledging all these wonderful things that Ellen is, is it fair to say I'm any less worthy a cover contender just because I am not these things? I've watched your show, Oprah. I know that the answer is that everyone should be treated equally. Also, I've watched so damn much of your show that I also know that if you reject me just because I'm not as famous as Ellen, it might give me low self-esteem just like you said Rihanna has or I may turn to food for comfort just like you have done.

So, I eagerly await your reply, which I presume will have details of our upcoming cover shoot. I just know you will say yes, if only for fear that you know full well that turning me down just because of my lack of fame could see me turn to 54 doughnuts to dim the pain. I'm visualising the cover... we're on a ride at Disneyland... I have candy-floss in my hand and you are wearing Mnnie Mouse ears. We're having THE best time. It's almost a reality. A real achievement. Or can you only have a dream if you're famous, Oprah? Do let me know.

Yours in best life-d-ness-ness,
Carolyn Stewart
PS: I love the frenzy of your Favourite Things shows the best but I like it when it's your actual favourite things, not the stuff that you think people with 50 cents to their name might be forced to get when times get tough. I don't aspire to want any of that. I prefer to see what YOU can afford - like Blackberries, diamond watches, fridges with computers in them, panini presses and spa retreats. Seriously. Admittedly this is a selfish move on my part as one day I hope to be one of the lucky ones in that audience to hear you scream, "Flying cars for allllllllllllllll!"
PPS: Oh yeah, and I love Nate. I don't know how you can be in such close proximity to him all the time and not try to bottle him so you can keep him on your desk for always.

Carolyn Stewart
I want Oprah's Love Sandwich [CLICK ON ME!] for dinner o'clock, March 24, 2008