Soapdish: Neighbours gets me furious

The new Ramsays are a joke
A note before I begin: when it comes to Neighbours, I am a bit of a mental.
After years of absence there are once again Ramsays in Ramsay Street. One of the show’s original families, and with awesome family members such as Madge, Charlene, Henry, Shane and Gemma, the Ramsays have not been seen since Henry moved to New Zealand and Gemma wandered off (by which time Madge was a Bishop). I should be over-joyed. I should be. But the minute I heard this new development a few months ago, I was horrified.
The new Ramsay, you see, is Jill, the never-before-mentioned secret daughter of original character Max Ramsay and Anne Robinson, Paul’s mother, who died before the show began. Considering the family history, this is patently stupid. Between Max and his wife Maria and Anne and her husband Jim, the ’60s and ’70s must have been pretty much a non-stop orgy. When they weren’t in the delivery room, that is.
You see, early on Max discovered his son Danny was the product of an affair Maria had, and a few years after that Jim found out he had sired secret son Glenn during the Vietnam war. Years after this Julie, Jim and Anne’s eldest daughter, discovered Jim wasn’t her dad and Anne had had an affair too.
Meanwhile, Max and Anne also had an affair?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH NEIGHBOURS.

Stefan Dennis can do no wrong

I am all for bringing back Ramsays, but to say this is stretching the friendship is putting it mildly. Rather than bring in, say, Shane or Henry Ramsay’s kids they have instead created an all-new mystery character and, to add insult to injury, she lasted ONE EPISODE before she was KILLED in a hit-and-run car accident. In fact her ONLY SCENE was seen in flashback!
I’M FURIOUS.
They create a new “legacy” character and THEN they completely rob us of the chance to get to know her?
And why, if Maria and Jim knew nothing of Jill – which they clearly didn’t, because it would have come in handy in a few arguments – and she was adopted, did she have the Ramsay name?
So now Jill is out of the picture, her three orphaned kids are set to move into Ramsay Street and get to know Uncle Paul. Mercifully, and this is the only plus so far, they seem to have hired good actors in the roles.
But this whole incident has just exemplified all my complaints with Neighbours over the last few years. Namely, a blatant disregard for viewers and inability to handle storylines in a dramatic fashion.
This is not to say Neighbours has jumped the shark – or at least I believe it can recover. After people pay some attention to what the hell they are doing.
Neighbours used to rely quite heavily on humour – who could forget the magic of Joe Mangel or Clive Gibbons or Henry Ramsay or Melanie Pearson? – as well as the odd bit off heavy drama - like when Terri killed herself or Harold tried to choke Paul. Now sadly, they are doing what the producers insist are “character driven storylines”.
I know the idea was to get away from melodrama, but unfortunately they seem to have gotten rid of the drama too.
And “character driven storylines” doesn’t cover what was one of the most embarrassing moments in Neighbours history when last year’s season finale culminated in a rowing accident in which “rapids” upturned a canoe in calm water. Seriously, they didn’t even try to frame the (very very still) water out.

HELP! It's the killer Erinsborough rapids!!!
(Yes, this is an ACTUAL SHOT from the show)

There was a time, not so long ago, when Neighbours was back on track, shortly after Paul Robinson returned and almost broke up Lil and David’s marriage and may-or-may-not-but-did kill someone in the Lassiter’s fire, and Izzy was having an affair with Karl and I couldn’t wait to watch every single night.
But then in came new producers and out went anything interesting.
2007 brought a much-hyped “re-invention”, with promises of better storylines and soundtrack, heaps modern shooting styles and an upgrade to HD.
The “reinvention” we were promised should now officially be recognized as a failure. The Parkers (or at very least the parents) must rank as the most boring Neighbours family since the Alessis. The storylines have gotten as dull as dishwater. Rather than the light and shade of the old days, everything now seems to be beige.
Says the show's Executive Producer Susan Bower in an interview with Neighbours site The Perfect Blend, “I believe the teens' dialogue and storylines are more age appropriate and that the structure of each episode has more flow – like a movie. This helps the audience attach emotionally. Stories come from character rather than that being imposed on the character.”
No. The teens are boring. They walk from one room to the next looking sullen. And while I will admit this is what real teenagers mainly do, I will not accept that it is even vaguely interesting television. The teen pregnancy story has been underplayed in a way that may be more realistic, but is also mind-numbing, while the Zeke storylines – him running away and having amnesia and then becoming a secret radio DJ on an internet pirate station that somehow everyone in Erinsborough listened to at all times – have been pathetic so as to be an embarrassment. Poor Matthew Werkmeister.
Oh and get this:
“The use of split-screens and music have helped modernise the show as well.”

Um, “modernise” with “split-screens”? That may be modern if it were the ’60s, but as we aren’t actually in the ’60s, are always cringe-worthy and take the viewer out of the moment (while they are trying to stifle embarrassed laughter). Neighbours ain’t a Tarantino movie, nor is it a Rock Hudson/Doris Day romcom. Split-screen has no place on Ramsay Street!

Now, thanks to Ten creating One HD, we can’t even get Neighbours in HD. Another fail!

At least they got rid of that bloody “One Good Reason” song they played in the coffee shop for an entire decade.

Good Neighbours: James Sorensen, Jane Hall and Ryan Maloney

Now, I don’t know Susan, and I could be completely wrong, but from reading this interview it seems to me that she had no real love for the show before she joined. She was a writer for the show in the '90s but then, worryingly, worked on season one of Sea Patrol and the only season of Canal Road. That's right, officially two of the most boring local shows of all time. Her tone reads of someone who is a little bit defensive and not very passionate.
This upsets me, because Neighbours is actually a big part of my life and should be handled by somebody who cares for the characters and also has an interest in entertaining the show’s fans, and, of course, attracting new ones.
The thing is, for the most part, I think the show has a fantastic cast. I like these characters. It's just they don't get to do anything interesting and no respect is paid to their pasts or futures (as we will discover further when a ridiculous death screens soon).
A case in point; I have no idea what is going on with Tom Oliver, who plays Lou Carpenter, but Susan has obviously been watching another show.
“Tom’s character has been given heaps of stories since Harold left. And there’s more to come,” she chirrups.
How many is heaps? Because I can’t think of one. You mean when he stepped in dog poo out the front of Karl’s house?

Dear Freemantle,
You make heaps of money from Neighbours, please fix it.
When hiring, why not look for staff who have watched the show before? Ask them, for instance, if they know who Madge is, and if they give you a blank look and drivel about trying to make the show “more realistic” then it’s time to show them the door.
Love Scott

Coming next time: My two cents on Home and Away, suddenly the most depressing show on TV

Aqua is back(ua)Hot on the heels of the LFO reunion, Danish popsters Aqua (who could forget the eternally annoying “Barbie Girl” or secretly a bit good “Doctor Jones”?) have reformed to record some new tracks for a forthcoming greatest hits album. The first single, “Back To The ’80s” is damn catchy. That said, it has what are possibly the WORST LYRICS EVER (When boys wore skinny leather ties / Like Don Johnson from Miami Vice / When M&M was just a snack / And Michael Jackson's skin was black / Back when the coolest thing in store / Was a Commodore 64) and reed-thin vocals from singer Lene Nystrøm. So no change there, then.
The group say they are just doing the handful of new tracks for the greatest hits and then calling it a day. Which is what you say so you don’t look stupid if nobody cares. Let’s be honest, not many outside Denmark are likely to.
As far as novelty acts go, Aqua squeezed out more hits than most - their performance in 1997 in the Aquashell (no, really) in Sydney’s Darling Harbour even saw (allegedly) 200,000 people turn up.
As a follow up to their string of cheesy numbers they even went all serious with a hit ballad, “Turn Back Time”, as featured on the Sliding Doors soundtrack.
And then, in 2000, they came back with “Cartoon Heroes” and nobody cared any more. Their return appearance at the Aquashell heralded an audience of approximately four people.
I interviewed Lene on that trip and it is fair to say she hated me. It might be because I asked her about Brian McFadden (who she briefly dated). My bad!


Scott Keenan
Is it Neighbours o'clock o'clock?