The Verdict: Logies 2009

Rebecca wins! Viewers Lose.
Logies night is my favourite night of the year, and I think I need to say that before I say anything else. I love the Logies and I have watched them my whole life. There is nothing cynical or ironic about my love; I really, really love them.

When people bitch about the Logies being a popularity contest and an ad for TV Week, I tell them to rack off. TV Week started the awards 51 years ago and nobody else has come up with anything better and nobody is likely to. Snobs who have a problem with viewer voted awards can get stuffed too. As if a panel of nameless freeloaders are more equipped to vote. Besides, the Logies has peer-voted categories so that the ABC and Foxtel can actually win things.

Okay, so that’s that cleared up. What did I think of last night’s show?

Well Sydney’s The Daily Telegraph has declared it the worst Logies ever, and as far as the show goes – as opposed to the recipients of the awards – it was certainly the most boring. The knives have been sharpened for Gretel Killeen – whose first trick was unveiling her Winona Ryder circa Alien³ hairdo – and to some extent it’s valid.

I’m sure the idea was to beat critics to the punch with an Underbelly-inspired joke in which Gretel was shot and “died on stage” only to end up in heaven. In actual fact it just had viewers thinking, “Yes, yes you did.”

Going down the toilet: Gretel and Carson Kressley cross live from the dunnies

From the get-go Gretel – who has made a point of the fact that she wrote her own material – delivered plenty of joke-free and often down-right cringe-worthy dialogue. Her “casual” chats with male Best New Talent Male nominees (including 16-year-old Home and Away star Jordan Rodriguez) and a painful doubling with Bondi Vet Chris Brown that saw her descending from “heaven” on a swing were of particular note for their awkwardness, the cross to the women's bathroom is likely to go down in Logies fokelore. She is no Andrew Denton, who excels at such ad lib chats. She is also no Hughesy.

Dave Hughes, as usual, was a highlight. There have been calls before for him to host the show, but I believe he (perhaps wisely) thinks he is better off going in, doing an awesome spot, and getting out of there. But I still wish he would.

Shaun Micallef, who received a lukewarm response when he hosted the show a few years ago, was another breath of fresh air. The same cannot be said for the perpetually unfunny Umbilical Brothers whose act seems to belong on a 1992 Red Faces segment. Still they are dragged out time and time again on such shows so they can make stupid noises and lame pube jokes. Pubes jokes! At the Logies! Go away.

What people say about the Logies being a tough room is true – almost nobody is listening to the host or even the award announcements. They are busy catching up with friends and downing free booze (when asked their highlights of the awards on morning television this morning, almost without fail guests answered “Annie Lennox”, her performance seemingly the only thing they could recall happening on the night) . Surely the trick would be to play to the home audience. Another would be to tell some jokes.



The other presenters proved almost as awkward as the host. Jennifer Hawkins – who, yes is hot and everyone loves – presented despite not actually having a show. Her co-presenter Kristy Hinze, TV’s most wooden host, did delight me when she announced “It’s impossible to be objective about your own work.” That explains a lot. Sarah Murdoch was a very odd choice to induct Bill Collins into the Hall Of Fame, although she did an admirable job. Poor Peter Phelps, meanwhile, was lumbered with Humphrey B. Bear and a joke that may have seemed like a good idea but should have only gone for about 20 seconds. Poor Phelpsie was left trying to make funny with a giant mute bear and it was painful for everyone.

Rove's Hamish, Haydo and Andy love them some Logie

The always slightly dubious “international guests” this year were Days Of Our Lives stars Kristian Alfonso and Peter Reckell – that’s right, Bo and Hope! Now I love them, so I can’t be as sarcastic as perhaps I should be here. Oddly they didn’t present an award and were not seen again after walking down the red carpet. Why were they even there? (Mercifully we were spared one of those appalling on-stage interviews with the host, featuring questions like, “What do you think of Australia?!” Although I would have loved to see Peter yell “Australian TV rocks!”)

Rather than a tried-and-true crowd pleaser like Bert Newton or Dame Edna, the night’s big finale - the presentation of the Gold Logie - was performed by Logies perennials Lisa McCune and Georgie Parker. Which was fine, but dull. Bert coming out and doing a few minutes of shtick and presenting the gold has proven a highlight in previous years and would have been the saviour this time (still nobody has provided a good reason why he can’t host the whole thing again).

As for the awards themselves (you know, ostensibly the reason we're all here in the first place), things went pretty much to plan. Underbelly scored the peer voted awards and Packed To The Rafters the popular ones. I was thrilled Rebecca Gibney won the gold, but a little sorry Ian Smith missed out as it was basically his last chance to win. It was awesome to see him acknowledged, however, and he was hilarious in the skits he acted in. (Note to future Logies producers: skits are good, they took us out of the boring show, but do try and get more recognised comic talent to put them together as some – in particular the ones based around Ten and the ABC – fell flat)

Dannii Minogue tries to spoil Gretel's hairdo on the red carpet

Thankfully this year there was a highlight package of non-televised awards, which were for children’s shows and docos. Sadly the sporting and outstanding news coverage were still included in the main telecast. I’m sorry but Seven getting an award for the coverage of the Olympics is a joke – which ever network holds the Olympics or Commonwealth Games in any given year wins this award. The network itself has very little to do with the footage it gets, who wins medals, what the opening ceremony looks like; it’s just stupid. As for news coverage and the inevitable natural disaster or human tragedy that wins; there is something a bit wrong about people applauding such dire events at such a show.

Another downer was a court order which prevented footage of Underbelly from being shown in nomination packages. This resulted in presenters having to say things like, “Oh, and Kat Stewart, who was quite good in Underbelly, honestly.” As if the nomination were some sort of after-thought, only to then announce the winner was in fact Kat Stewart.

Speaking of singers (?) Natalie Bassingthwaighte and Tom Burlinson (who sang some olden days song as the “people we’ve lost” tape ran) both seemed to fight with the tune fairy. Perhaps there were bad acoustics, because Annie Lennox did too. But seriously, if Nat Bass were on Australian Idol, how far do you think she would go? Just asking.

In all honesty, the night's true highlight came before the show had even started, when red carpet host Shelley Craft's nipple was visable to viewers as she interviewed Rachel Griffiths.

Logies high(beam)light: Shelley hones her craft

Anyway, all in all it was a dull, dull night and the only way I can see the Logies improving is me getting the producer’s gig next year. No? How about an advisory role? I know it’s a thankless task, but seriously, we can’t go on like this. It’s my favourite night of the year.

Scott Keenan
The Logies are like my child and I’m very disappointed o’clock