More than meets the eye?*
*Actually, not so much
What is it? It's the sequel to the 2007 movie that saw human Sam (Shia LaBeouf) caught up in a war between good guy Autobots and bad guy Decepticons. I fully admit I am not the target audience for this movie but I do heart Shia, I did suffer through the first movie and I did enjoy the cartoon a fair bit when I was a kid... so I was hoping to be impressed.
Were you impressed? No. No, I wasn't. Unfortunately this movie is in need of some serious editing. On top of being 147 minutes long, there are far too many clunky, stupid catch-phrases and about four billion lead characters with long, boring stories to tell when all I really care about is Sam and Mikaela (Megan Fox).
Most common question you will ask yourself throughout: What the hell???
Do you have any questions for Michael Bay? Yes. Yes, I do. They are as follows:
* When Sam's roommate Leo is in the car, he gets tasered. Now, earlier in the movie said-tasering had rendered him unable to move for quite some time... yet this time it happened, the very next scene sees him leap (LEAP!) out of the car and run. HOW? What the hell?
* The gangsta twin robots were absolutely unnecessary and are the worst characters seen on film since Jar Jar Binks. I'm not joking. What were you thinking? What the hell?
* What happened to Megan Fox's pet robot that was the focus of the movie and then was never seen again? What the hell?
* In the near-the-end chase, why doesn't all-of-a-sudden-indestructible Bumblebee *DRIVE* them to Josh Duhamel and the army folks??? Why are they helplessly running along - while under attack, mind - with this giant robot next to them who is killing everything in their path when they could be INSIDE the car??? What the hell, man?
* On that note, why ruin Shia and Megan Fox fleeing the Decepticons - the only suspense in the whole damn thing - by cutting in a four hour unnecessary truck fight in a pit? What the hell?
Are there any good bits? There are a few good one-liners and intentional laughs. The fight scenes and bomb blasts are generally quite amazing. The robots are awesome. It's a really great cast that includes the obvious as well as The Office star Rainn Wilson and former Home and Away hottie Isabel Lucas. I certainly liked how there was the poster of another Michael Bay film, Bad Boys, on the dorm room wall. Also, my absolute favourite part is how they wrote in Shia's real-life hand injury. Clever. Myself and my movie buddy Gavin both snickered at that. Others did not. I feel for them.
Were you proud of your star-spotting ability? I really was, thank you so much for asking. I almost squealed with excitement when, after a good 60 seconds of trying to work out who he was, I finally placed Coronation Street actor/singer Matthew Marsden as Josh Duhamel's army-buddy mate Graham. I honestly don't think I've thought of him for the better part of 10 years but perhaps you recall his kinda-hit "The Heart's Lone Desire" or that other song "She's Gone", for which his backing singers were a little then four-piece band called Destiny's Child. Oh, how times change. Sigh, MM, it was nice to see you again.
You're officially on a tangent now, aren't you? Yes... sorry but now we have to watch the MM videos I just found:
FROM THE VAULT VIDEO: "The Heart's Lone Desire"
FROM THE VAULT VIDEO: "She's Gone"
Can we talk about the movie again now? If we must...
Is Shia a bonafide movie star? Yes. Yes, he is.
Then I should I see it? Nuh. The action is all well and good but, if you're not a fan, I can guarantee you won't get past the first 20 minutes. However, I can certainly understand why fans would desperately want to see it. Like, I never cared about Doctor Who (pre Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant) or Star Trek so, with any new incarnation, I don't really care what they do with the mythology. However, when it comes to Star Wars or Buffy, it matters. If you mess with those worlds without any regard to the past, you mess with me. If you feel that way about Transformers, then enduring the two live-action movies will do nothing but hurt you to the very core. Still, if you still insist on seeing it, wait til it's on DVD so you can fast forward a great bulk of it. Important note for any future DVD screenings: any scene with Sam's parents is guaranteed to go for 10 minutes and can be instantly skipped without any impact on the "plot". But really, it's so long... so very long. At times during the movie, you will honestly feel you may never see your friends and family again. Don't. Do. It. To. Yourself.
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Carolyn Stewart
The heart's lone desire is to love someone o'clock, June 18, 2009
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